Joe Paterno announced today that he will retire after a storied 46-season career as head coach at Penn State.   He is expected to go down as the only coach with a clean record, who ran a program that had absolutely no blemishes.

"What else can you possibly say about this guy?"  Said University President  Graham Spanier.  "He's run the one and only clean program in all of the NCAA, and there is literally not one single thing I can say has or will affect his legacy in any possible way.  I'm totally racking my brain right now trying to think of just one single negative thing related to this coaching administration that could possibly change anyone's thinking, and you know what?  I can't do it."

Paterno's retirement will likely be highlighted by spirited and uplifting reviews of his career, funny oversized glasses in tribute, and a general happy feeling by all.  It is expected to be a very lighthearted affair with no controversy whatsoever, and little to no media coverage is planned.

When Sporting Hipster asked Spanier about how he felt about the child raping accusations swirling around Penn State, he simply responded, "Nope, can't think of one negative thing."

NEW YORK -- The NCAA today sought to ease fears around the college landscape as major conference moves continue to threaten the current structure. 

"Ladies and gentlemen, there is no need to worry," said spokesman Dan Johnson.  "We have a plan that will make every team and school happy, as well as fans across the nation.   We are completely eliminating all conferences, and will instead simply have one, mega-conference."  

The move was greeted with criticism, which the NCAA quickly sought to quell.

"Everyone wants to know how the national championship will work now.  To make it easy, we've decided to just have Oklahoma and Florida play for the national title every single year from here on out.   Beyond that, teams are allowed to play whoever they want, whenever they want, in an unprecedented move of liberation.

"In fact, we're making it so teams don't even have to schedule the games.  Just head on over to whomever you want to play, and let them know you want to challenge them to a little competition.   We're also encouraging smaller schools to try something new that we've never allowed before:  multiple games on the same field at once.  That's right, we'll allow four, five, hell maybe even 10 schools to play each other all at once on the same field."

When asked about what this means for title chances of any schools besides Oklahoma and Flordia, the spokesman replied: "My wife is so hot.  Dude, I can't believe I get to bang that."  

He then took yet another swig of whiskey.  Which prompted questions from the press of why he was delivering the speech from a street corner in  a rundown section of L.A., and appeared to be homeless.

"Don't judge me," he replied.

In a stunning development, the guy next you at your office just remembered that Limp Bizkit exists, much to your chagrin.

"Oh dude," he was quoted as saying to you this morning, "'Break Stuff' just came up on my iPod!  Remember these dudes?  They ROCK!"

He then provided you with a 20-minute recap of Limp Bizkit's career, followed by intermittent updates as he ignored the morning's work and instead spent ample time searching the Internet.

"Check this out, these guys totally invented rap metal," your coworker said, citing a random MySpace page.  "I hope they tour again soon."

You then went into the bathroom, stared at yourself in the mirror for several horrifying minutes with the realization that this is what your life is, and proceeded to gouge your eyes out with dull scissors.

The media confirmed its plans today for the weekend as the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks approaches.

"It was one of the worst days in the history of our nation,"  said CBS executive Charles Brownstone.  "And we want to make sure you feel that pain and suffering this weekend as if it was the day it happened."

Sources report that the media as a whole met sometime last month to finalize their plans.  "Let's skullfuck these people with images of the planes crashing into the buildings, people jumping to their deaths, and hold up pictures of children who died,"  Anderson Cooper was quoted as saying. "This is it people, our finest moment."

The History Channel is planning a 24-hour replay of the worst images,  ala TBS's annual A Christmas Story marathon. Animal Planet is planning reenactments using puppies and kittens that are up for adoption.  Meanwhile, the Food Network will be doing a special on recipes that use building rubble.

"The events of that day are unforgettable, horrific and deeply painful for the entire country," Tom Brokaw told Sporting Hipster.  "And we want to ensure we remind everyone what that pain and sadness feels like with constant reminders barraging them at every turn."