The NDFL (National Dog Football League) is scrambling today to repair its damaged reputation following last night's Puppy Bowl.

In what looked to be a great matchup between the New England Pomeranians and the New York German Shepherds, fans across the country were buzzing with excitement.   Unfortunately, the game quickly lost all form or structure, and resorted to rampant butt and ball licking, biting, and one of the poorest displays of sporstmanship ever witnessed on dog sports' biggest stage.

"The refs had absolutely no control," Gill Summers of ESPN (Entertainment Sports Pet Network) noted.  "From the outset of the first quarter, there wasn't a single actual play made. It was like watching a bunch of animals with raging boners chasing each other around.  Which, of course, actually happened."

Fans were equally displeased.  Mary Smith, who owns three Labradors and has been a NDFL fan for over 50 years,  paid nearly $8,000 for her Puppy Bowl ticket. 

"I was ripped off," she told Sporting Hipster following the game.  "One of them was literally eating their own shit."

The game was finally called off when New England Pomeranian quarterback, Terrier Beef O'Brady, peed on the head of an opposing player.

"It's really a shame," Mary continued.  "This could have been the pinnacle of puppy sports.  Instead, it was nothing but a mockery."

LOS ANGELES--A new movement similar in nature to the nationwide Occupy movement is so far failing to gain steam.

Derek McLincoln, a 9th year senior at UCLA, founded the movement on his website last week.   He organized a large march to take place over the weekend, with the intention of "doing things that keep us from doing other things -- against greed!"

"Everyone wants to occupy this and that," he said, in an exclusive interview with Sporting Hipster.  "But what about preoccupation?  Are we so preoccupied with occupying that we've forgotten to preoccupy ourselves in the first place?"

Derek expected "thousands" to show up for his planned march, but when he arrived he found only two children, who were actually waiting for a bus. 

"I guess everyone was just too busy occupying themselves with other things to get preoccupied."

Joe Paterno announced today that he will retire after a storied 46-season career as head coach at Penn State.   He is expected to go down as the only coach with a clean record, who ran a program that had absolutely no blemishes.

"What else can you possibly say about this guy?"  Said University President  Graham Spanier.  "He's run the one and only clean program in all of the NCAA, and there is literally not one single thing I can say has or will affect his legacy in any possible way.  I'm totally racking my brain right now trying to think of just one single negative thing related to this coaching administration that could possibly change anyone's thinking, and you know what?  I can't do it."

Paterno's retirement will likely be highlighted by spirited and uplifting reviews of his career, funny oversized glasses in tribute, and a general happy feeling by all.  It is expected to be a very lighthearted affair with no controversy whatsoever, and little to no media coverage is planned.

When Sporting Hipster asked Spanier about how he felt about the child raping accusations swirling around Penn State, he simply responded, "Nope, can't think of one negative thing."

NEW YORK -- The NCAA today sought to ease fears around the college landscape as major conference moves continue to threaten the current structure. 

"Ladies and gentlemen, there is no need to worry," said spokesman Dan Johnson.  "We have a plan that will make every team and school happy, as well as fans across the nation.   We are completely eliminating all conferences, and will instead simply have one, mega-conference."  

The move was greeted with criticism, which the NCAA quickly sought to quell.

"Everyone wants to know how the national championship will work now.  To make it easy, we've decided to just have Oklahoma and Florida play for the national title every single year from here on out.   Beyond that, teams are allowed to play whoever they want, whenever they want, in an unprecedented move of liberation.

"In fact, we're making it so teams don't even have to schedule the games.  Just head on over to whomever you want to play, and let them know you want to challenge them to a little competition.   We're also encouraging smaller schools to try something new that we've never allowed before:  multiple games on the same field at once.  That's right, we'll allow four, five, hell maybe even 10 schools to play each other all at once on the same field."

When asked about what this means for title chances of any schools besides Oklahoma and Flordia, the spokesman replied: "My wife is so hot.  Dude, I can't believe I get to bang that."  

He then took yet another swig of whiskey.  Which prompted questions from the press of why he was delivering the speech from a street corner in  a rundown section of L.A., and appeared to be homeless.

"Don't judge me," he replied.