A quick rundown of the hippest sports stories today.

De La Hoya Retires: De la Hoya announced his retirement, then unretired, the re-retired, then – after a long pause during which Oscar seemingly thought over one last time – he said, “all right, all right, I’m retired.”

Josh Beckett Gets Suspended: for like 6 games or some shite. That’s a bit much, I mean really. When is baseball going to realize that it would be much better off allowing pitchers to simply throw the ball whenever and wherever they like. Now that’s a challenge to a batter.

NFL Schedule is Released: I will see the Broncos schedule when I get one of those little pocket fold-outs from TGI Friday’s.

UConn’s Thabeet Enters Draft: I think we saw that coming from the moment he had Sean Paul sunglasses on inside the stadium during the Final Four.

Isiah Thomas is Named FIU Head Coach: Makes sense, it’s much less embarrassing to sexually harass young men.

That’s all for now. Postmodernism won the poll, I think by nefarious means, but it still won. I’ll reset it and you’ll get another chance to vote. An article on postmodernism forthcoming.