Looks like Weekly World News has scooped us once again:

Plushenko failed in his attempt to win back-to-back gold medals last night, but he certainly succeeded at having the most ridiculous haircut on the planet.

"I'm sorry world, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking," Plushenko said after the medal ceremony. "I must have really looked like a big fat douche out there. I've been really, really drunk for the last 8 years. Fuck! I'm so sorry you guys."

Kansas' Markieff Morris had a great game last night against Texas, and he says it's all do to his new nickname.

"It just pumps me up, you know? I imagine myself saving the word from a nuclear bomb within 24 hours and shit, and next thing you know I'm draining threes all night."

"He watched Flatliners the other night, and he's been on this Markeiffer thing ever since." Coach Bill Self said. "That is a great movie, though." He said, chuckling.

His teammates are split on the issue, half of them thinking the bad ass vampire Sutherland character in Lost Boys is appropriate for Markieff's high flying dunks, while others point out he starred alongside Chris O'Donnel in The Three Musketeers.

"It's a hot, controversial issue that's sure to steam up the locker room," Jay Bilas said, rubbing himself.

Dear Paul Shirley, the dick that wrote the anti-haiti blog post,

You are a dick.

I'm not talking about like a slightly stinky, uncircumsized kind. I'm thinking more the bloody, puss-filled diseased impotent kind. Yeah, that's it. You're like a syphilus filled, shrinking penis of an old alcoholic Nazi.

Many supporters of Mr. Shirley have pointed out that he has a right to say whatever he wants. That's true, it is America after all. And that's the same reason I can say that Paul Shirley is no better than the anal discharge from his grandmother's rotting asshole.

Congratulations, Mr. Shirley, you've successfully ruined your professional and personal life. And you've earned the first Sports Hipster of the year nomination for 2010!