Kentucky remained undefeated following a late comeback against Florida last night. Many analysts are now officially putting them in the elite class of championship contendors for 2010. Most agree, however, that this in no way makes Kentucky any less of a fucking awful, shitty shithole of a state.

Despite John Wall's spectacular freshman season, and John Calipari's quick turnaround of the program, Kentucky is still full of inbred morons "riding" horses. And even though Eric Bledsoe scored a career-high 25 points, the state still continued to be the home of two of the deadliest industries in America -- Tobacco and Kentucky Fried Chicken.

"It was a huge win for us," said Coach John Calipari. "But after the game was over, I was like, 'oh yeah, I still live in this fucking shithole.' So I stopped by the Walmart to buy a shotgun with which to blow my balls off. Sadly, they were sold old."

No word yet if Kentuckians were using the shotguns to rape horses or shoot blenders in their front yards.

USC has wasted no time in finding a replacement for departing head coach, Pete Carroll. USC football seems to be ready to welcome in a new era with Kiffin's hire, an era which represents a slight shift in philosophy for the prestigious program.

"We are pleased to welcome a new coach, along with a new philosophy. Lane Kiffin has shown over the last few years that he can take a team to mediocrity and beyond. We look forward to the several losing and/or barely over .500 seasons ahead." Said a spokesman.

It's official:

Conan told NBC to fuck the fuck off, fuckers.

In a stunning press release yesterday afternoon, Mark McGwire finally admitted to inappropriate behavior that most the country already knew was taking place.

"All I can say is that I completely regret everything I've done," McGwire said through an AP statement. "I didn't want to admit it at first. I said I was just working on growing out a beard, or that my chin hair just grew fast. But it's time to acknowledge the truth...I have a goatee."

Some analysts think McGwire's goatee usage dates as far back as 1984, while others argue it didn't pop up until 1996.

Fans across the country have chimed in with their opinions.

"You could see the change in his face clearly. One day he's clean shaven, about 10 days later he suddenly has all this hair on his upper lip and chin, connected with a handlebar. I mean, what the fuck man? That shit's so obvious." Said Jason Stevenson, of St. Louis.

"He only did it for face health. His chin got really cold, and he needed to keep it warm." Said Sally McNeill of Dallas.

"Uh, are you shitting me? You're asking me about his fucking goatee? Didn't that fucker do steroids, and you're asking about his goatee? How in God's holy name does that have anything to do remotely with the realm of baseball?" Said my dad.