N.B.A. Warns of Rising Billups Pandemic

 

N.B.A. officials held a press conference this afternoon, warning that the chances of rising numbers in the ongoing Chauncey Billups pandemic are likely to continue tonight in Game 4 of the Western Conference playoff series.

 

“While we don’t have all the stats yet, initial indications show that this may indeed be the next Billups pandemic, which as we all know was inevitable,” David Stern said in a press conference held earlier today.

 

Billups has put up such frightening numbers as a 73% average for 3-point field goals.

 

“We have dispatched a team of broadcasters, analysts, and half-time dancers to investigate this very serious outbreak of scoring. Chris Paul has assured us that he will do everything in his power to stop the Billups pandemic before it spreads to Games 4 or 5, but we fear at this point there is no possibility for containment.”

 

Stern said the one thing they are sure of is that there is absolutely a zero percent chance of an Anthony Carter epidemic.

 

 

 

New Sporting Hipster of the Year Candidate: Swine Flu

 

The Sports Hipster of the Year Award race just got a little tighter. Coming in as the second nominee for 2009, we have the swine flu.

The World Health Organization says it has pandemic potential, and in response college chicks on vacation in Cancun have been asked to stop making out with each other.

 

The swine flu’s hipness is undeniable. It’s clingy, tends to spread quickly, and there’s ultimately a lot more people exhibiting only mild symptoms than outright suffering from it. “But how does this disease relate to sports?”, you may rudely ask me. My answer: “Shutup, I don’t like you.”

 

In response to the outbreak in Mexico City, officials are shutting down two major soccer games – for the spectators. Cameras will be allowed in, and the games will still be televised. The image of a game being played with no spectators is an eerie one, and here’s hoping they push that eerie quality by still playing in a huge stadium, still having all the vendors open, still having popsicle salesmen walk up and down the isles — everything but the audience. Now that would be cool.

 

So for helping to pull off one of the rarest moments in sports (hell, even little league soccer draws a decent crowd) the Swine Flu of 2009 is thusly named as the second nominee for Sports Hipster of the Year Award.

 

Other nominees so far include Jay Cutler.

Mark Sanchez Being Considered by Broncos – Really?

 

One of the big stories right before draft day is whether the Broncos will try to go for Mark Sanchez. This rumor started essentially the second Jay Cutler was traded. I’m no Mel “Blow the Piper” Kiper, but why?

 

There’s a chance that Sanchez’s workouts have simply shown something that I just don’t see, but I find it hard to believe this is going to be the guy to lead the Broncos, or any NFL team, to the Promised Land. Carson Palmer is very good, and he has yet to do it (yes, not his fault, clearly the fault of his wussy knee), and I don’t think I have to make any arguments about Matt Leinert.

 

USC alums are a lot like USC coach Pete Carol, they just don’t do well in the NFL. And if they do, they commit a double homicide.

 

What I’m saying is, why are the Broncos suddenly so interested? When you have two at least capable QBs sitting on your roster, is this really the year you want to make this kind of move, instead of grabbing two great players at other positions where’s there’s actually a need?

 

I say no, it’s all a smoke screen. I think McDaniels will surprise us, but I just don’t see this deal going through. Trust me, 3 quarterbacks at once is a lot to handle…in bed.

Hip Check 4/24

 

NBA Playoffs: I love this game!!! Actually I just like it a lot, but I couldn’t commit to it. I’m not saying it’s bad, it just doesn’t have the smarts of the NCAA tournament. I mean I could just listen to the NCAA tournament for days and days, and with the NBA playoffs it’s like I just watch the game and I’m already thinking about what the next game will be like, you know?

 

Deron Williams Game Winner: Thank God Kobe missed that last shot. Utah has got to at least stretch L.A. out a bit if anyone in the west has a shot at beating them. If they can push it to a game 6 at least, I’ll totally make out with Jerry “I Would Bone” Sloan.

 

Turns Out Chicago is Still Not that Good: They became self aware. Everyone started talking about how they could possibly beat the Celtics in this series, and they lost it. Plus, they are still not really that good. If the Celtics were all full health I don’t think the first two games would have been as close. On the other hand, the Celts didn’t have an easy road to the championship last year, let’s not forget that. It wasn’t ever necessarily in doubt, but it’s not as if they were on cruise control. They definitely still have enough to make the conference finals, and if they do that how can you not respect it given their post-season injuries.

 

Little League Pitcher Throws Perfect Game, and Yes, She’s a Chick: 12 year old Mackenzie Brown threw a perfect game, and retired 18 boys. I don’t care if it’s little league, that is freaking amazing, and she deserves all the accolades she gets. The only other chick I know that retired 18 boys at once is…let’s just stop this joke there, there’s really nowhere good it can go.

 

Yankees vs. Red Sox Approaches: I would be excited if this match up hadn’t gone from exciting rivalry to sports cliche. Call me when they meet in the playoffs.

 

 

 

 

Hip Check 4/23

Happy Earth Day! Oh wait, that was yesterday. Shutup.

 

The Nuggets Up 2-0 With Another Blowout: This is weird. The first time the Nuggets have 2 games – that’s right 2 – in a playoff series since I’ve been in Denver. I’m kind of unsure what to do about it. Do I celebrate? Do I act humble? Do I drive to Chauncey Billup’s house, weep at his front door, break in and try on his wife’s clothes?

 

Orlando, Miami Win: What happened to the Magic the last few weeks? They better wake up, they should be easily handling the Sixers. And in the all important, “play to see who loses in the next round” match-up, Wade leads Miami to a win. Apparently I’m supposed to be impressed. Sorry guys, but the East belongs to the Cavs, the road is too easy for them.

 

NFL Draft: It’s too complicated and too in-depth for me to make any comments on. Oh wait, oops.

 

MMA: In case you missed it, Chuck Liddell lost – again – last weekend. I love the guy, but clearly his time is up. Unfortunately in the world of MMA, one day you’re bangin’ porn stars and knocking people out, the next your bangin’ porn stars and making a bunch of money training nerds. It’s a tough, tough life.

 

 

Hip Check 4/16

 

Michael Vick Rumors of a Reality Show: Seriously. And I think we all know that we’d watch at least one episode, but honestly, without the dog fighting the ratings will not do well.

 

Hulk Hogan Takes the High Road: “I didn’t do the OJ Simpson thing. I took the high road.” The Hulkster literally said that. He’s also quoted in a recent Rolling Stone interview, “I totally understand OJ. Look, divorces get ugly, you’re already banging some random hot chick, why in the hell would you drop OJ’s name? If you weren’t in the professional wrestling business, I’d say this would ruin your career.

 

NHL Playoffs Begin: I still love hockey, but honestly, it will be hard to care without the Avs in it.

 

Nuggets Get New Orleans in the First Round: I kind of think Dallas actually would have been a better match-up, but we’ll have to see. If they don’t win this playoff series, think Karl will still be getting “Coach of the Year” chatter, let alone “employed coach”?

 

Garnett Could Miss the Playoffs: That’s it. No repeat. Without Garnett they have no shot at beating the Cavs.

 

Still working on that post-modernism article…

Hip Check 4/15

 

A quick rundown of the hippest sports stories today.

 

De La Hoya Retires: De la Hoya announced his retirement, then unretired, the re-retired, then – after a long pause during which Oscar seemingly thought over one last time – he said, “all right, all right, I’m retired.”

 

Josh Beckett Gets Suspended: for like 6 games or some shite. That’s a bit much, I mean really. When is baseball going to realize that it would be much better off allowing pitchers to simply throw the ball whenever and wherever they like. Now that’s a challenge to a batter.

 

NFL Schedule is Released: I will see the Broncos schedule when I get one of those little pocket fold-outs from TGI Friday’s.

UConn’s Thabeet Enters Draft: I think we saw that coming from the moment he had Sean Paul sunglasses on inside the stadium during the Final Four.

 

Isiah Thomas is Named FIU Head Coach: Makes sense, it’s much less embarrassing to sexually harass young men.

 

That’s all for now. Postmodernism won the poll, I think by nefarious means, but it still won. I’ll reset it and you’ll get another chance to vote. An article on postmodernism forthcoming.

Hip Check 4/9

 

Here’s a very short rundown of a few sports stories.

 

The UConn Women’s Team: 39-0. Hopefully in 30 years there will be much more parity in women’s college ball, and just like the men’s UCLA teams of the ’70s – this will become a thing of distant memory. It’s not helping the ratings, I can tell you that. And dude, UConn women’s coach, whatever the crap your stupid name is – do something else. Take the plunge, coach men’s, coach WNBA, do something ELSE.

 

Tiger Woods at the Masters: Woods is the only player that can make people care about his sport. If you don’t like golf, you still might tune in to see him go for a win. If you don’t like baseball, there’s not a single player that will draw you in. Of course, that’s partly because he’s not playing a team sport. But there’s no arguing he just has amazing drawing power. Do I hear Hillary running mate rumors for 2016??

 

NBA Playoffs: The Cavs look great, and should easily be the Eastern Conference Champs. If they aren’t, Lebron, dude, it’s time to move. Even with Lebron playing his best, they’re going to find themselves in a tough match-up against the west in the finals, no matter who they play.

 

Wow, Denver…might…actually…win a playoff series?? What?? Welcome home Chauncey, I will hold you hostage if you ever threaten to leave.

 

MLB Season Starts: 3 games down, only 5,562,334 to go. The Rockies won their opening series against the D-Backs, and Tulo is looking like he may have a hot start. Hell, it’s better than last year.

 

That’s it for now, back to grooming my ironic mustache.