Hanging his head solemnly in a New Jersey courtroom, Plaxico Buress today admitted that he does indeed have a difficult to spell and commonly misspelled name.
“I know what I’ve done is stupid. I mean when you say it, it almost sounds like it should be spelled with an ‘e’ — but it’s not. And I’m sorry for that, I really am, I wish it was more obvious how my name is spelled when you hear it. But it’s not, and I can’t change the decision that caused this, I can only move forward and try to make things better. I can only take the time to stop and tell people, ‘no, no it’s spelled with an a.'”
“I’d also like to extend an invitation to other athletes who share this affliction. Tshimanga Biakabatuka, Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje, Mark Buehrle – you are my brothers in this, and together we can teach this great nation that incorrect spelling can be eradicated within our lifetime.”
Sources close to Brett Favre are reporting that he is indeed going to sign with the Minnesota Vikings for the 2009 season. The Vikings and Favre are simply waiting for a physical. But while eating lunch today in a Minneapolis area mall, Favre had an even tougher time making a decision — 600 times tougher to be exact.
“Yeah, I’ll have the Turkey Sandwich, but can I get it with no mayo – I mean light mayo! I mean ham sandwich! I mean soup! I mean side of soup! I mean turkey mayo! I mean mayo with a side of turkey! I mean light on the soup with a side of fries! I mean fried okra! I mean okra stained fried rice! I mean rice cakes! I mean a side of soup with a side of fries with a ham sandwich! Yeah, that’s it….wait! Come back! I need a side of green chili or this deal will never work. I mean yams!”
At last report Favre has still yet to decide over the past three hours, and sources claim it could take another three before he actually eats lunch.
Golf. Ahhh, nothing gets me tittilating more than a(n) (a)rousing round of dudes in khakis gently washing small white balls. Today begins one of the most (a)rousing tournaments in the PGA season — the PGA Championship, being held at the Hazelnut National Golf Club somewhere deep in the woods of Minnesota.
That’s right, the golf club for the 2009 PGA Championship is being held somewhere who’s most prized commodity is a hazelnut. In honor of this nut, some players have decided to use nuts in leiu of the traditional ball.
There’s a lot of exciting match-ups, pants, and holes this year at the PGA Championship, but I’m not going to waste your time with the stats, predictions, etc. Because that’s all BULL shit. I want to boil this down to what golf — and really, all of life — is really about:
Or in netspeak: teh ballz. lol.
Tiger this, Tiger that — fuck you. Gimmie some BALLLLLSSS!!!! I want white balls, dimpled balls, grassy balls, cleansed balls — gimmie gimmie gimmie!!! Balls!!!
And sacks! I can’t wait to see those big sacks being lugged around by young men in their prime, pulling out long rods at every chance.
So don’t bother me with your fucking “predictions.” You don’t know shit about golf, asshole. The 2009 PGA Championship will be won on one thing and one thing alone: not being a pussy ass golfer. Show me your balls you bitches.
Note: Sporting Hipster does not take responsibility for the actions, opinions, or rants of its staff.
Sporting Hipster is pleased to announce its third candidate for the Sporting Hipster of the Year Award: Rick Pitino.
Rick Pitino is a living legend in college basketball, one of the few coaches to take multiple teams to the Final Four.
Rick Pitino recently admitted to having illicit sex with a woman in 2003. And what’s more hip than banging some random chick in a restaurant? Perhaps paying for the abortion when you find out she’s knocked up with your seed.
A heartfelt congratulations to Rick Pitino, his family and his secretly aborted lovechild.
Other Sporting Hipster of the Year candidates include Jay Cutler and Swine Flu.