Shirley, You Can’t Be Serious

Dear Paul Shirley, the dick that wrote the anti-haiti blog post,

 

You are a dick.

 

I’m not talking about like a slightly stinky, uncircumsized kind. I’m thinking more the bloody, puss-filled diseased impotent kind. Yeah, that’s it. You’re like a syphilus filled, shrinking penis of an old alcoholic Nazi.

 

 

 

 

Many supporters of Mr. Shirley have pointed out that he has a right to say whatever he wants. That’s true, it is America after all. And that’s the same reason I can say that Paul Shirley is no better than the anal discharge from his grandmother’s rotting asshole.

 

Congratulations, Mr. Shirley, you’ve successfully ruined your professional and personal life. And you’ve earned the first Sports Hipster of the year nomination for 2010!

 

 

Obama, Arnold Schwarzenegger Set Aside Political Differences to “Kick Some Serious Earthquake Ass” in Haiti

Barak Obama and Arnold Schwarzenegger held an unprecedented press conference via live sattelite to their secret underground submarine, as it raced towards the Caribbean.

“People of the world,” Obama said sternly, “we come to you from deep in the sea, on a very high priority mission. As you know, a great evil has fallen upon the people of Haiti. Well, we’re not gonna stand for it,” he quipped as the camera panned out to reveal republican Schwarzenegger tying a bandana around his head.

 

“That’s right, my once rival,” Arnold chimed in. “This superquake has screwed with the wrong dudes. Earthquake, look in my eyes: I’m coming for YOU.” He said as he slid a thumb across his throat.

 

“We commin’ to fuck you up!” Obama screamed, locking his 9mm glock.

 

No word yet from the Earthquake, but most experts expect it to shit itself and commit suicide before suffering the wrath of Shwarzobama.

 

 

Kentucky Remains Unbeaten With Late Comeback; Still a Shitty Place to Live

Kentucky remained undefeated following a late comeback against Florida last night. Many analysts are now officially putting them in the elite class of championship contendors for 2010. Most agree, however, that this in no way makes Kentucky any less of a fucking awful, shitty shithole of a state.

 

 

 

 

Despite John Wall’s spectacular freshman season, and John Calipari’s quick turnaround of the program, Kentucky is still full of inbred morons “riding” horses. And even though Eric Bledsoe scored a career-high 25 points, the state still continued to be the home of two of the deadliest industries in America — Tobacco and Kentucky Fried Chicken.

 

“It was a huge win for us,” said Coach John Calipari. “But after the game was over, I was like, ‘oh yeah, I still live in this fucking shithole.’ So I stopped by the Walmart to buy a shotgun with which to blow my balls off. Sadly, they were sold old.”

 

No word yet if Kentuckians were using the shotguns to rape horses or shoot blenders in their front yards.

 

 

 

 

 

 

USC Hires Lane Kiffin as Part of its “Commitment to Failure”

USC has wasted no time in finding a replacement for departing head coach, Pete Carroll. USC football seems to be ready to welcome in a new era with Kiffin’s hire, an era which represents a slight shift in philosophy for the prestigious program.

 

 

 

“We are pleased to welcome a new coach, along with a new philosophy. Lane Kiffin has shown over the last few years that he can take a team to mediocrity and beyond. We look forward to the several losing and/or barely over .500 seasons ahead.” Said a spokesman.

 

 

 

Mark McGwire Painfully Admits to Having Goatee

In a stunning press release yesterday afternoon, Mark McGwire finally admitted to inappropriate behavior that most the country already knew was taking place.

 

“All I can say is that I completely regret everything I’ve done,” McGwire said through an AP statement. “I didn’t want to admit it at first. I said I was just working on growing out a beard, or that my chin hair just grew fast. But it’s time to acknowledge the truth…I have a goatee.”

 

 

 

 

Some analysts think McGwire’s goatee usage dates as far back as 1984, while others argue it didn’t pop up until 1996.

 

Fans across the country have chimed in with their opinions.

 

“You could see the change in his face clearly. One day he’s clean shaven, about 10 days later he suddenly has all this hair on his upper lip and chin, connected with a handlebar. I mean, what the fuck man? That shit’s so obvious.” Said Jason Stevenson, of St. Louis.

 

“He only did it for face health. His chin got really cold, and he needed to keep it warm.” Said Sally McNeill of Dallas.

 

“Uh, are you shitting me? You’re asking me about his fucking goatee? Didn’t that fucker do steroids, and you’re asking about his goatee? How in God’s holy name does that have anything to do remotely with the realm of baseball?” Said my dad.

 

 

 

 

 

Steve Jobs to Announce Release of First Ever iButt

In a stunning announcement from this year’s Consumer Electronics Show (CES), Apple founder and tech icon Steve Jobs revealed the latest revolutionary personal technology from the company that has changed the way people listen to music and use cellphones.

 

“The iButt is the first ever fully digital, touch sensitive personal butt device for consumers around the world.” He said during a presentation at CES 2010.

 

 

 

 

“This will revolutionize the way people sit, fart, poop, shart, bend over, ass-bump, have anal sex, look at buttholes, and wipe, among other things.”

 

Analysts across industry dailies are already buzzing, calling this the death of “analogue butts,” and the “radical reinvention of glute based industry.”

 

The iButt is slated to be released sometime in the next 3-437 months.

 

 

 

 

NIck Saban Praised for Ability to Injure Opposing QBs

Analysts across sports media are praising Nick Saban today, not only for his quick turnaround in Alabama, but for his amazing coaching ability to injure the opposing QB.

 

 

 

“When I called that play, I told my players, ‘OK, run what we’ve been working on all week, where you hit the QB like normal, but you fuck up his arm.’ Then we fucking won. We FUCKING WON.” Saban said in a personal phone call to Sporting Hipster, made from his private beach, currently dubbed, “Saban’s BJ Heaven.”

 

NBC Is a Dick: Wants to Bump Conan for Leno

How would you feel if your company told you that you were getting a huge promotion, had you move to a new city, and promised years of glory in this new role? Pretty good, right? What if that company then said, fuck you, go fuck yourself you little fuckface.

 

 

 

Well, that’s exactly what NBC did to Conan O’ Brien, the funniest man alive.

 

Why? Advertising dollars have dropped for the Tonight Show since Conan took over. Of course, this is exactly what happened when Conan took over the Late Show from David Letterman — but producers stuck with Conan and his genius, and he killed it. Especially in advertisers’ golden demographic – males age 18-34. Advertisers aren’t paying as much for Conan’s Tonight Show these days — maybe because they’re ad sales dept. is still trying to sell to companies that typically target moronic, obese, lazy over 50 conservative losers — aka Leno’s audience.

 

Conan – go to Fox. Fuck NBC, they are dickless cunts. Literally.

 

 

 

 

 

BCS Championship Preview: My Balls Itch

The highly anticipated blockbuster National Championship match-up between Texas and Alabama is finally here. And all the analysts are buzzing, making their prediction. No matter who wins or loses, one thing’s for sure: my balls itch.

 

“These two teams represent epic, historic programs and conferences, and this is the type of match-up that — hold on a sec, lemme get my nut scratcher,” I said, earlier today.

 

Alabama brings it’s high-powered…god dammit…just a second..ok, where was I? Fuck! What the hell? Did somebody put god damn cayenne powder in my underwear?

 

Anyways, it’s sure to be a great boner for both teams, with testicles reaching new heights.