NCAA Tournament to Expand to 688 Teams, Will Take 6 Years to Complete

Talk of expanding the men’s NCAA Basketball Championship has been circulating all season long, and now the official word is in.

 

 

 

 

“We are pleased to announce,” said some schmuck at some gay ass press conference, “that we have decided to expand the men’s tournament to give every college, junior college, and community college a fair shot at winning.”  

 

Among the new changes:

 

-688 teams will compete, creating 344 games.  Brackets are expected to be roughly 70 pages long

 

-The regular season will be completely erased

 

-Tournament will take place in 6 year cycles, starting and ending dates to be determined by complex astronomical equations involving the moon and Bobby Knight’s sweater drawer

 

-Players will be allowed to leave for the NBA anytime they like, and even come back for a game or two

 

-“March Madness” will be replaced by the term “Fucking Crazy Shitballs”

 

-Fans of NCAA basketball expected to begin mass murder/suicides as early as August

Tiger Woods Keeps Referring to Sex as “Treatment”

According to the transcripts from Tiger Woods’ recent interviews – the first media interviews in months – Tiger Woods spoke quite extensively about his need for “treatment.” Experts are baffled at his odd use of this term in place of “fucking.”

 

 

 

“I still need more treatment,” he told the Golf Channel, clearly meaning, “I still need more fucking.”

 

Here are some more translations:

 

“I need extensive personal therapy” = “I need to extend my penis into a vagina”

 

“I will be receiving treatment over the next several months” = “I will be fucking every living thing I can find for at least a few more months, until I either get syphilis or my dick just plain falls off”

 

“I’m very sorry for what I’ve done” = “I’m very sorry that I’m not fucking someone right now”

Obama Pledges Support to “Devastated” Lawrence, KS

Disaster struck Lawrence, Kansas, last night, when a severe freak storm originating from Northern Iowa suddenly struck.

 

 

 

“Whyyyyyy???? Why the FUCK did this happen??????” An innocent child cried into the night, clutching a Sherron Collins jersey – perhaps the only thing he had left. Aside from his 2200 square foot home on the west side of Lawrence.

 

“To the people of Lawrence,” President Obama said in a live, emergency broadcast, “we WILL NOT FORGET YOU! You have our unending support.”

 

Among the support offered:

 

-Reminders of how Kansas won the National Championship two years ago

 

-Talk of how they have a great “young” class of talent to carry the torch

 

-One (1) free Pepsi for each official resident of Lawrence

 

-24/7 live porn broadcast on all stations, for “distraction”

 

There is currently no casualty counts yet, but initial counts report at least 10 counts of punched walls, 13 shots of tequila, and at least one dude kicking his car.

 

 

 

2010 NCAA Tournament: Dude at Your Office Makes Joke About His Bracket for 50th Time Today

 

Already highly regarded as one of the most exciting NCAA tournaments in history, the dude next to you at the office continues to make jokes about how bad his bracket is doing.

 

When shown a chart during a financial meeting, showing the drastic drop in company revenue, he said, “Oh man, that’s like how my bracket would look if I charted it. Know what I mean?”

 

When eating lunch, you dropped a potato chip on the floor, and he said, “Oh man, look at that chip. If someone steps on that it will look just like my bracket.”

 

While sitting next to him in the bathroom, trying to pretend you were alone, he shat, and said, “Oh man, look at all that blood in my shit — that’s totally what my bracket will look like by tomorrow!”

 

No word from sources whether the dude is a complete or merely partial douche.

Someday, They Will Clap for My Death at the Oscars

Watching the extremely boring and dull end to the Oscars last night, it was hard to forget those Hollywood stars and starlets that have left us this year. Especially because they force it in your face, as if looking at James Cameron’s rapidly deteriorating smug face and wispy hipster haircut isn’t reminder enough that we will all someday die.

 

 

 

I realized something as the yearly “In Memoriam” tribute ran, running the gamut from some sound technician you’ve never heard of, to some washed up actress you never knew existed. As I understand it, the audience cheers louder in accordance with which person they are the happiest died. This is really the only logical conclusion one can reach.

 

For instance: people are really fucking happy that Michael Jackson died, while they are deeply saddened that Army Archerd passed away.

 

And as I watched this, wiping the Cheeto crumbs from my fingers unto my bare chest, I realized something. If I play my cards just right, someday people will clap for my death at the Oscars.

 

Getting the Biggest Cheer on the Oscars ‘In Memoriam’ Segment Tip #1

My first line of business is to get some big roles. I’ve contacted my agent. He’s between homes right now, so he said it might take him a while to get back to me, but I think that will only motivate him to net me that big job even faster. That and his addiction to methamphetamines.

 

Getting the Biggest Cheer on the Oscars ‘In Memoriam’ Segment Tip #2

Second, I’ll need to do something really fucking awful, so that they cheer and hoot when they show my image from whatever shit-fest family drama I acted in. Like Michael Jackson, he did some inappropriate things with children, and look how much people jeered him at the Oscars. I’m thinking something along similar lines, but with animals. Any suggestions? Platypus and armadillos top the list so far.

 

Getting the Biggest Cheer on the Oscars ‘In Memoriam’ Segment Tip #3

Finally, I”ll want to have one night stands with as many hot actresses as possible. Women statistically outlive men consistently, so most likely they’ll still be pissed that I dumped them, and still be acting when I pass on due to “natural causes” (hello prescription med overdose!!). Those old bitches will really give me the cat call. And you know what? They’ll still be hot for me.

 

I’ll keep Sporting Hipster readers updated on my progress…

 

 

 

Michael Jordan’s First Meeting as Owner: Why I’m Better Than Everyone in This Organization

Michael Jordan held his first meeting as Charlotte Bobcats team owner this week, making it mandatory for everyone from high-level executives, to players, to towel boys.

 

 

Here are some of the highlights from the meeting:

 

“John Guagliano: the broadcasting dude. You may have won an Emmy, but I’ve won six championships. You have one award. You think that’s something to be proud of? I have 5 MVPs. You won an Emmy for live sports broadcasting — I made live sports broadcasting.”

 

“Timothy Stensen: the kid that takes the dirty towels to the laundry room. You didn’t think I could fold all the towels myself that one night. Yeah, well look at me now. I’ll be the only one folding towels from now on, and what are you doing? Folding towels for your mom?”

 

“Kay Lowery: the HR chick. You may have helped to set up my 401k, but that don’t meant you some hotshot accountant. I’ve spent more money on one golf match than you’ll see in your entire life.”

 

“Stephen Jackson: I mean, just look at you.”

 

“Peter Smul, our CFO: my watch is better than yours.”

 

“Jason Cagnisi, the guy that sets up the chairs before games: I can sit like a mother fucker.”

 

The meeting went on for approximately 13 hours, until Jordan had successfully “one-upped” each and every employee associated with the Charlotte Bobcats.