FLoyd Landis Accuses Barak Obama, Pisslbury Doughboy, Your Mom of PED Use

Floyd Landis, disgraced cyclist that was stripped of his Tour de France title, has admitted to using performance enhancing drugs.  This follows vehement denials from the Landis camp.  

 

But the most suprising aspect of Landis’ confession was the many people he claimed have also used PEDs.

 

 

 

Among the people Landis claims have used PEDs:

 

-Barak Obama:  “There’s no way that dude can smoke and still be president without that shit”

 

-Briam Williams:  “That dude anchors the news like a motherfucker.  You didn’t notice he started enunciating better in 2005?”

 

-The band Phish: “Trey Anastacio has performed guitar solos for several days straight.  You can’t tell me he’s not using.”

 

-Neil Young:  “Dude’s old as fuck, needs that shit just to live.”

 

-Various family members of anyone in the world:  “This dude’s grandma, your sister, my friend Billy’s niece — they all fucking do it man!”

LeBron James Taking His Time Deciding on Pastry

LeBron James has a large decision in front him this offseason:  chocolate chip or blueberry?

 

 

“I just want to make the best decision for me and my family,” he said, as he was also looking for a good bran muffin to purchase for his mother.

 

Sources close to LeBron have said he doesn’t want to rush it, but if he doesn’t decide quickly the pastries could be at risk of getting a little dry.

Tebow Saves Underpriviledged Kittens While Performing Emergency Open Heart Surgery

On His way to hand out candy at a local children’s hospital, Tim Tebow was frantically flagged down in downtown Denver this morning.

 

 

 

 

“This man is having a heart attack!”  A citizen screamed.

 

Without thinking The Tebow demanded a napkin, safety pin, and tire iron.

 

“There’s little time!”  He said.

 

As He worked on the patient, He quickly discovered the blockage — a group of small, underprivileged kittens that just needed a little help.

 

Other feats The Tebow has performed since arriving in Denver:

 

-Magically transformed bowl of oatmeal into the souls of aborted fetuses

-C’mon, how can you top that.  I mean, fuck man.  Shit.