Local Employee Holds Hour-long Conference Call to Announce Decision to Change Companies

Sporting Hipster has learned that local employee Craig McDougal has finally made a decision on whether he will leave Global Shipping Services for Ohio Healthcare Analytics and Research.

 

 

 

 

 

“I know I said my goal was to bring Global Shipping a Business of the Year award from the local paper, but you have to understand, this is is a business,”  Craig said in a conference call.   He sent an invite to the entire company e-mail list, with about 10% actually showing up or calling in.

 

“You have to understand — I don’t want to be 30 years old with bad eyesight and no Business of the Year awards.”

 

“Um, you’re like 38,” a co-worker chimed in.

 

“Well, er, well, you get the point.  Just shutup.  Anyways, I want you all to know I’ve thought this decision over long and hard, I’ve talked it over with my wife and my dog, muffie, and I’ve even discussed it with my agent — my real estate agent, Larry.   And I’ve finally made my decision…”

 

Craig stood over the table, holding his breath, waiting in delight for his co-workers to prod him on.   One co-worker noisily chewed her gum, while another texted on his cell phone.  After a few awkward minutes Craig opened  his mouth to speak.

 

But just as he was about to give away his big decision, someone burst through the conference room door.

 

“You guys, there’s fucking cake in the kitchen!  FUCKING CAKE!!!!”   

 

Everyone in the room quickly left, leaving Craig alone.

 

“Shit, I still have 55 minutes of this damn thing,”  he said, looking at his watch.   

 

Sporting Hipster was the first to break this story when it was learned that Craig had scheduled a happy hour celebration with his parents and wife at a bar a couple blocks away from Ohio Healthcare Analytics and Research.

 

Craig’s dog, muffie, was unavailable for comment.

 

 

Lance Armstrong says he’s finished – finished with paying high prices on home technology and accessories!

Lance Armstrong fought back tears as he talked to reporters after today’s Tour de France stage.

 

“I’m finished…” he said, then suddenly breaking into a large grin, “with paying more than I ever should for things like cell phone chargers, computer monitors, and basic electronic components!”

 

 

He excitedly pointed at his team Team Radioshack jersey as he listed the many items available at Radioshack stores across the country.

 

 When asked about his current position in the Tour de France, he simply smiled and said, “Look at this remote control car I got for $19.99. $19.99!  How bad ass is that?   Man, it even does wheelies.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lebron James Makes Decision: ‘I am the biggest douchebag of all time’

Lebron James finally revealed his decision in a one hour, douche filled special on ESPN Thursday night.  

 

 

 “Ladies and gentlemen, I created this hour-long special — yes, an hour-long special (even though it will only take me 4 seconds to say this) — because I want the entire world to know my decision.”

 

Children across the country adorned their James jerseys, while the city of Cleveland collectively held its breath.

 

“I want to make it clear where I stand.  After a lot of thought, a lot of meetings, and finally, this hour-long special on the douchiest sports property on the planet, I’ve come to my decision:  I am a huge, giant, fucking douchebag!”

 

Reaction was mixed, with 99% of the country already in agreement, while 1% still think Kobe Bryant is a bigger douche.

 

In a related story, one that totally got Lebron, like, totally stoked, Sporting Hipster has announced that Lebron James is an official Sports Hipster of the Year nominee for 2010.