Clemens Refuses to Admit He Was the One that Took the Last Muffin

In a statement released through his agent, Roger Clemens is still denying that he was indeed the one that took the last muffin, the one he promised his wife she would get.  This despite reports that he will have to face possible couch time and will perhaps even be required to replace the muffin with a fresh one from the muffin place down the street.

 

 

 

“It was obvious he was lying when I saw crumbs on his face,” said his wife, who’s name Sporting Hipster didn’t bother to waste time looking up.   We’re pretty sure she’s a bitch anyways.

 

“I deny any wrongdoing, and challenge her to come up with viable evidence.  Sure, I had a snack, but it wasn’t a muffin, it was a fruit leather,” Clemens said.

 

Experts point to his expanded waistline and need for constant sugar as signs he has been stealing muffins for some time.

 

 

 

 

Woods Cooks Up Terrific Breakfast, Shitty Lunch

Tiger Woods responded to food critics this morning with a really fucking good breakfast.   It was almost like he was a top chef again, with a delicious homemade hollandaise sauce, freshly ground maple infused breakfast sausage and perfectly poached eggs.

 

“He really came out of the gate swinging, I particularly enjoyed his mimosa,” said Ted Allen, Top Chef judge and pop culture food icon.  As to exactly why he was eating breakfast with Tiger Woods, no one is exactly clear, but hey, just go with it.  I mean, what do you care, really?  You’ve got a job, a nice car, a decent enough wife.  Just fucking live with it.

 

Unfortunately, despite his strong start, Tiger was unable to maintain his level of performance, and lunch quickly deteriorated when he served macaroni and cheese mixed with chopped up hot dogs. 

 

 

 

 

“For some reason he  took the time to actually piss in the mac and cheese, that really didn’t fare well,” Allen duly noted.

 

Word on dinner is it won’t be as good as breakfast but not as bad lunch.