Steak blamed for positive drug test, break-up, AIDS

 

On the heels of Alberto Contador’s proclamation that a positive doping tests was due to his eating of ‘bad’ steak, Sporting Hipster has learned that this isn’t the first time steak has really fucked someone over. 

According to Brian Nelson of Houston, steak ruined his relationship.

“Not many people know this, but bad steak can actually shrink your testicles.   So when this chick and me were ready to ‘do our thang’ after a really nice steak dinner and date, she kinda freaked on me.   ‘Why are your balls the size of peas’ she said in disgust. 

“That damn bad steak — if only we’d had chicken that night.”

Many scientists and doctors are now joining in, no longer afraid of ‘Big Beef,’ the big corporations that have sought to hide the hiddent dangers of steak consumption for hundreds of years.

“Sure, you can trace numerous diseases back to steak consumption,” says Dr. Jordan McJordy, of the Jordan Institute of Jordanology.  “Cancer, being fat, steak sauce-itis, death, birth, hell even the common cold can be traced back to eating things.  In fact, the poop I took earlier — turns out it was all due to the burrito I ate this morning.  Who knew? Ha!” 

It remains unclear if Contador was consuming the bad steak by mouth, or through a needle his in ass.

 

 

 

JOAQUIN PHOENIX FAILS AT RAPPING

It appears that Joaqin Phoenix, the actor that last year caused a stir in Hollywood following several bizarre public appearances in his much publicized bid to quit acting and become a rapper, has completely failed.

 

The actor states, “I’m such a fucking failure.  Rapping is fucking hard as shit, bro.  For real.  But fuck, what a failure I am.”

 

The rap world is not surprised.  P. Diddy Combs Puff the third states, “Rap is an allegorical, cultural representation of sociological values that are much more complex in nature than the common philistine would imagine.   Franz Fanon said it best when he said, ‘Dem hos be all ho-ish an’ shit.'”

 

Pheonix’s beard, meanwhile, has picked up an agent and is currently looking for solo work.