Denver Nuggets Finally Complete Trade for Anthony Carter

DENVER — The Denver Nuggets are breathing a sigh of relief.  Even though it was difficult, they were finally able to trade the perennially mediocre Anthony Carter.

 

“We knew we’d have to give up a lot to get rid of him.  And if that meant trading Carmelo Anthony, god dammit, we were gonna do it,” team president Josh Kroenke said in an unprepared statement.

 

“He was a god damn drain on my team,” Coach Karl said.  “I don’t know why I even played him.  I mean, sure, he had maybe 3 decent games for us and hit one shot that actually meant something, but outside of that I felt like I was staring a blank wall when I looked into his eyes.”

 

 

 

The team’s hatred of Anthony Carter, or AC, was apparently widespread.

 

“We called him AC, alright,” said J.R. Smith.  “But when we said it, we usually meant ‘ass clown’ or ‘anal cunt.'”

 

Fans are also reacting positively to the trade.

 

“Carmelo got sucked into a deal that simply had to be done,” said Jimmy Curley.  “It’s unfortunate, but you didn’t want to get  Shawn Bradleyed by the guy.”

Chumbawamba’s “Tubthumping” to be put on permanent repeat in Egypt’s Tahrir Square

CAIRO — The world has marveled over the last several days as protesters in Egypt defy their current leader, Hosni Mubarak, and continue to protest despite lack of sleep and food, violence, and lost wages.

 

“It’s amazing,” said Schmanderson Pooper, of PNN.  “I really don’t understand how they’re able to keep it up.”

 

Sporting Hipster has learned why the protesters in Egypt haven’t relented — and why, we predict, they never, ever will.

 

Tubthumping.

 

 

 

 

“One day we just started hearing this music,” Said Mouhmed Al-Mouhmed, an Egyptian who attended school in the U.S.  “And it made us realize the shitty situation we were in, and that we had the power to change it.  We’re never gonna be knocked down!”

 

Plans have been unveiled to put the song on repeat permanently, or at least until Mubarak finally steps down.

 

“Your move, Mubarak,” said Mouhmed, as protesters began to chant “Mubarak ain’t never gonna keep us down!” in Arabic.