Jeremy Lin Offends Self by Eating Fortune Cookie

NEW YORK–Jeremy Lin and the Linsanity craze is the hottest story in sports right now.   But American media has been unsure how to handle a popular Asian-American athlete.  

In the latest offensive gesture, Jeremy Lin was recently spotted eating a fortune cookie after a meal at a Taiwanese restaurant in New York, which immediately created a media firestorm.    

 

“Dats effed up bro y u have n0 r3sp3ct,” tweeted Floyd Mayweather Jr.

 

Headlines blasted Lin for offending Lin, and several people at various newspapers were fired for even thinking about publishing anything that maybe could be offensive. 

 

“I thought about including a note about the post-colonial nature of current Taiwanese culture,” said Joe McNabb, a reporter in New York.  “But my boss noticed that I had included something about how boba tea is popular in Taiwan, and said it was really insensitive. Funny part is, he was sipping on one when he fired me.  At least I can appreciate the rich irony of it all.”

 

Jeremy Lin himself seemed unaffected by his own offensive act, as he simply chewed the fortune cookie, his saliva breaking down the cookie until it ultimately made it’s way through his intestinal tract.   When reached for comment, he simply said, “Who are you?  Why do you keep following me?”

 

It’s unclear when the New York Knicks will cut the rest of the team, and have a team of only non-offensive Asian-Americans, but one thing is for sure — fortune cookies are fun!

Puppy Bowl Marred by Poor Sportsmanship

The NDFL (National Dog Football League) is scrambling today to repair its damaged reputation following last night’s Puppy Bowl.

 

 

In what looked to be a great matchup between the New England Pomeranians and the New York German Shepherds, fans across the country were buzzing with excitement.   Unfortunately, the game quickly lost all form or structure, and resorted to rampant butt and ball licking, biting, and one of the poorest displays of sporstmanship ever witnessed on dog sports’ biggest stage.

 

“The refs had absolutely no control,” Gill Summers of ESPN (Entertainment Sports Pet Network) noted.  “From the outset of the first quarter, there wasn’t a single actual play made. It was like watching a bunch of animals with raging boners chasing each other around.  Which, of course, actually happened.”

 

Fans were equally displeased.  Mary Smith, who owns three Labradors and has been a NDFL fan for over 50 years,  paid nearly $8,000 for her Puppy Bowl ticket. 

 

“I was ripped off,” she told Sporting Hipster following the game.  “One of them was literally eating their own shit.”

 

The game was finally called off when New England Pomeranian quarterback, Terrier Beef O’Brady, peed on the head of an opposing player.

 

“It’s really a shame,” Mary continued.  “This could have been the pinnacle of puppy sports.  Instead, it was nothing but a mockery.”