Peyton Manning Unable to Defend Tackle From Children

DENVER — There was a scare at Denver Broncos training camp this week when Peyton Manning was sacked viciously.

But it wasn’t DeMarcus Ware or Von Miller putting the hurt on Manning. It was – pathetically – his own children.

“Look, sometimes the quarterback goes down in practice,” said offensive lineman Louis Vasquez. “And I know we’re supposed to protect Peyton – but Jesus, being sacked by a couple of kids?  That’s just fucking sad.”

“That fucker went down hard too,” said head coach John Fox. “Holy shit, what the hell?”

Peyton Manning was unavailable for comment as he wept in the locker room showers for several hours after the tackle.

 

Derrick Rose: ‘I’ve never felt more ready to get a serious injury’

LAS VEGAS – Derrick Rose has played in just 49 games in the last three seasons. This week he’s working out with fellow elite players for the first time since his latest season-ending injury at the training camp for Team USA in preparation for the FIBA Basketball World Cup.

Despite recent setbacks, Rose says his time on the bench has only boosted his confidence.

“My confidence is sky-high right now,” he told Sporting Hipster.  “I’m ready to get back out there and tear a major muscle or injure my spine as soon as I can.”

“He’s in prime shape right now,” agrees team doctor Chad Ellis. “Prime shape to rupture an Achilles with even the slightest amount of pressure.”

Chicago Bulls head coach Tom Thibedau echoes these sentiments, and is on board with Rose’s training plan to get injured as quickly as humanly possible.

“We’re confident Derrick will be able to handle any obstacles thrown his way, whether it be well trained muscles that are less likely to sustain injury or proper nutrition and exercise. Whatever the challenge, Derrick will overcome it and end his season within the first five or so games.”

Rose’s confidence is so great, it’s inspiring others. Children in elementary schools across Chicago have been jumping from walls hoping to tear their ACLs.

“The key is patience,” says Rose. “Last time, I was too patient with my recovery and it took me awhile to get hurt.  I won’t make that mistake again.”

 

Man Has Shitty Day Because Fuck You Obama

DES MOINES, IA. – Tom Donnelly’s day started with the alarm being broken and not waking him up in time.

He was late to work.

“Then when I show up, all the bosses are having this big meeting in the conference room that has a bunch of windows, and they all turn and stare at me as I walk in 30 minutes late.”

This isn’t the first time Tom has started his day poorly, but from there it only got worse.

“Then my wife calls, and the kid is puking at school,” Tom laments from his cubicle, where Sporting Hipster shadowed him as part of our American Lives series.

Tom’s day went on to consist of even more heartache. He twisted his ankle, dropped tomato sauce on his shirt during lunch and even bit his tongue at one point.

But the most frightening part of Tom Donnelly’s tale is that it’s not the first time he’s had a day like this – and it likely won’t be the last.

“I hate to say it, but ever since you-know-who took office, this is the new normal.”

That’s right, Tom’s days have become progressively shittier over the past five and a half years, ever since Barack Obama was sworn in as President of the United State of America.

In fact, Tom can often be head muttering “God dammit Obama” when he drops a pen at an inconvenient time, or fails to zip up his pants.

And according to research, Tom’s experience may have some scientific backing.

“Look at this chart,” says Chief Research Scientist of the University of Vermont at Chicago, Leif Fredriccson. “Here you can see the number of shitty days before Obama took office, and here is the number of shitty days post-Obama – or as I call it, ‘O-day.’ As you can see, the number of stupid, shitty-ass days has more than quadrupled since that fuck-face – pardon me, since President Obama took office.

“On a sidenote,” Dr. Fredriccson continues, “tell that piece of shit to keep his government hands out of my federally funded university pension.”

When asked what his research criteria were for what constitutes a “shitty day,” Dr. Fredriccson simply farted and waved his hands towards the reporter.

But not all is lost for people like Tom Donnelly. He finds comfort in knowing that others feel the same way.

“I started a Facebook group, and I’ve already got over 30 members! We can all share our stories of how Obama is fucking us each and every day.

“One woman told us the other day how Obama made the line long at the bank, and a young man getting ready to go to college talked about how Obama made him watch and masturbate to gay pornography against his will.

“The good thing is, the American people are starting to speak up, and the Republican party is as strong as it’s ever been.”

Sporting Hipster covers the plight of regular Americans like you as part of our ‘American Lives’ series.  Stay tuned for more installments.

Victims of Domestic Violence Overjoyed at Ray Rice Suspension

BALTIMORE, MD. – The NFL handed out one of the most severe punishments in the history of the world when it handed running back Ray Rice a two-game – you read that right, two-game – suspension for assaulting and knocking unconscious his fiancé.

“Fuck my life, FUCK FUCK FUCK,” Rice said in a statement. “This is the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me. I regret everything so much. My god, what kind of a man am I? What have I done?”

“I mean, I’ve seen some bad punishments,” ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith said. “Jeffry Dahmer beaten to death in jail; inmates executed on death row; all that weird shit that happens in Quentin Tarantino movies – but this is by far the worst punishment I have ever seen handed down in recorded history.”

Victims of domestic violence against women the world over applauded the move, calling it “appropriate” and “logical.”

Streets were filled with revelry across the country as women praised the NFL for it’s courageous actions. Chants of “Goodell clearly appreciates women” could be heard as men and women clasped hands and hugged, some openly weeping with joy with the notion that the issue of domestic violence could finally be put to bed.

But some feel the punishment may have been too harsh.

“I’m  glad he’s getting punished, don’t get me wrong,” said Marsha Smith, head of an advocacy group for abused women. “But this is even worse than I could have ever expected.  I almost feel sorry for him.  Poor guy.  I just hope he can pick himself back up from this blow – unlike his fiancé was able to after he knocked her the fuck out.  Unlike her, he deserves that chance.”

Marsha then simply shook her head and muttered to herself, “Holy fuck, two games.”

Fans of the Baltimore Ravens have taken the punishment as best they can.

“I’m just glad he didn’t do something really bad,” said local fan Jason Riley. “You know, like smoke weed.”

 

Baseball! Five Tips for Enjoying America’s Pastime

The laughter of children; the sweet smell of apple pie cooling on a windowsill; the sour odor of genital sweat.

That’s right, it’s baseball season!

For those of you unfamiliar with the sport (aka, terrorist fucks), Sporting Hipster has put together a beginner’s guide to America’s Pastime, just for you, you fucking terrorist fuck.

Here are 10 tips that will tell you all you need to know about becoming a fan of baseball:

1. There are balls

Balls! Balls! Glorious, heavenly, dirt-stained balls! One of the first things you should know – you fucking terrorist piece of shit – is that baseball involves balls. Typically they are round, and made of yeti intestines.

2. There are bats

The second piece of important equipment used in the game of American baseball is the bat, a live animal which normally feeds on the blood of cows and children’s nightmares. In the game of baseball, bats are trained and released at carefully timed intervals to hopefully intercept the ball as it is thrown. With luck, the bat will carry the ball to the moon.  This is known as a “home run.”

3. Unspoken rules

One of the first things you’ll learn about baseball is that it is governed by a complex set of secret codes and rules which are known only to  the knights who perform the ritual of “base-running.”shhh2

These rules have been rumored to include items such as:

  • Spit on the ground to show your love for another player
  • Never stab another player’s wife, unless the bitch deserves it
  • Always wear your cleats on the proper feet
  • Fuck you, you fucking terrorist

4. Peanuts

Baseball is a nutty game.

peanut

The best thing you can possibly do at a baseball game is to buy a giant bag of peanuts (we recommend 10 lbs. or larger), punch it repeatedly until the contents are sharp and irritating to one’s eyes, and dump the contents on the people sitting in front of you.

5. Terms to Know

Baseball has many terms specific to the sport, and their meanings aren’t always obvious.  Learning this basic terminology will enhance your enjoyment of the game and make you look like an expert among your friends (that’ll show that bitch Joan):

dictionary

Umpire: A priest whose face may only be seen by the man he is about to marry. He marries several men every game.

Left Field: A wasteland of animal bones and tar pits where the least liked players are sent to die.

Belly Itcher: An imposter who occasionally kidnaps and murders the pitcher, and is not generally wanted.

Terrorist Fuck: You.

6. Picking a team

If you’re going to pretend to enjoy baseball (because clearly nobody actually enjoys it) you’ll need to pick a favorite team.  Will it be the Seattle Mariners? Will it be the Colorado Rockies?

No, it will probably be the Boston Red Sox. Why? Because you’re a fucking fucker.

7. Replay rules

New this season are instant replay rules, which are designed to ensure umpires get calls right.

The instant replay occurs when a call is contested by a manager and there is reasonable evidence to support a reexamination of the play. The umpires then hire professional actors, through a series of auditions, to reenact the play as accurately as possible.

Based on the quality of the performance, the umpires decide who lives – and who dies.

8. Seventh Inning Stretch

48adv_leg_stretch3

One of the most ancient and baffling rituals in the game of base-ball is the “Seventh Inning Stretch.”

It typically occurs later in the game, and consists of singing a song of the Old Times, wherein attendees are reminded to root for the home team and to eat peanuts (see above).

It is called a “stretch” to honor those who are very tall.

Conclusion

Now that you have this information in hand, you can purchase tickets to the next baseball game in your local municipality, and no one will even realize what a terrorist piece of shit you are.

Fuck you.

Did we miss any tips concerning the game of baseball? Let us know in the comments below.

Guy Who Said World Cup “Changed Soccer in America” Doesn’t Remember it Ever Happening

SANTA BARBARA, CA – The guy in the cubicle next to you – whose name you never bothered to learn – has completely forgotten the World Cup ever happened, despite arguing just two weeks ago that it had “changed soccer forever in America.”

During the conversation the guy made statements such as: “Kids growing up are going to want to play on the world stage, not just for an American audience like in the NBA.”  As well as: “I think there’s going to be a big jump in MLS attendance after this.”

However, the guy didn’t even bother to watch the World Cup final, and when questioned if he was going to watch the L.A. Galaxy game, he blankly stared at you with saliva slowly dripping from his mouth.

Nobody contributed to this report, including the author.

 

Tennis Played in Indiana

INDIANA — According to sources close to the situation, tennis has been played in the state of Indiana.

This comes as a shock to you. You didn’t know that tennis could be played in the state of Indiana. You thought that people mostly played it in New York, or maybe Ohio. But Indiana?

Christ, what has this country come to?

The game was apparently played between a couple, a man and a woman, who were both white. The rackets used were purchased at a nearby sporting goods store a few days earlier.

The woman won the match with the man feigning apathy.

Following this news you stabbed yourself in the face.

Five Tips for Beginning Runners

Getting started running is hard!  Trust us, we know, as each one of us on the Sporting Hipster staff (that’s right, all 18,000 of us!) runs 1,700 miles everyday.

We thought we’d share our expertise with you, our beloved readers.  Here are five tips for beginning runners:

1. Don’t amputate your legs.

Sure, your legs can get annoying. We’ve all had those moments where we were like, “What the fuck, legs?”

But if you’re considering running it’s best to keep them.

“Having legs is an essential part of running,” says Dr. John Chambers.

“Sure, you can get those blade runner thingies like that South African dude, but then you have to shoot your girlfriend.  So, I guess you can do it if you want to kill your girlfriend, but I still wouldn’t recommend it.”

2. Eat foods which have nutrients.

Are you eating a strict paper-only diet? Stop it, silly! We’ve found that it’s best to eat food when beginning a running regimen.

3. Feel free to run over 100 miles on your first day.

Don’t be a bitch. Do it.

4. Spend $10,000 on running shoes.

Buy every pair you see, and only the most expensive ones. Pile the shoes in your living room until you can’t breathe.  Proceed to choke and die.

5. Suck my ass.

Suck it.