Editorial: Just Because We Shot You in the Face Doesn’t Mean We Meant to Hurt You

The following is a very special editorial from the staff of Sporting Hipster.  Following Adrian Peterson’s statement that he never intended to hurt his four-year-old son, despite beating him with a tree branch, we realized it was time we addressed the lingering issue facing our staff: The time we shot you in the face with a gun.

Our attorneys have asked us not to discuss the facts of our pending case with you out of respect for the legal process. Also, they said it would fuck up their messages from Venus. On a side note, if you have any spare change, our attorneys could really use it.

But that’s beside the point. What matters to us the most is you. We love you so much, and we’re really sorry that you got hurt when we shot you in the face with a gun.

When we brought that gun to your house, knocked on your door, and told you that we were going to fucking shoot that stupid smug look off your fucking smug face, we never intended to hurt you.

If we hadn’t had a fake-news blog that treated us that same way, we never would have had the fear of the world instilled in us that made us the blog we are today. It’s out of love.

Believe us, it hurt us more to have to shoot that shit-eating grin off your face than it did you. Sure, you were in the hospital for 17 months and couldn’t breathe or shit on your own, but we had to deal with the guilt that any loving fake-news blog does.

in conclusion, sure, we used a gun and pulled the trigger, but does that mean we meant to?

BTW, we did totally mean to lol.

Release of Ray Rice Video Changes The Past

BALTIMORE — In the wake of the news that the Baltimore Ravens had cut Ray Rice, followed by an “indefinite” suspension from the NFL, scientists across the world are in awe at the power of the video released by TMZ to alter space-time.

“After Rice was arrested in February, his team stood by him at multiple levels of the organization, and he was given a light suspension by the NFL,” says Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson. “Which clearly indicated that the incident was not really that bad.

“However, with the release of the video and the subsequent punishments, we as a scientific community have no choice but to conclude that the release of the video actually altered space and time itself, changing the very nature of the incident.

“How else can you explain this sudden reversal of the Ravens’ and NFL’s positions?  You fucking can’t.”

No word yet on whether Stephen A. Smith became a woman due to the reality-alteration.

 

Fantasy Football: Top Five Quarterbacks to Draft

Millions of a men, and approximately 15 women, are gearing up for the annual ritual known as the “Fantasy Football Draft.”

The research is never done – NEVER – so we here at Sporting Hipster decided we should help you out. Get ready to get mind-fucked by our picks of the top 10 quarterbacks for your fantasy football team.

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Top Five QBs for Fantasy Football: Peyton Manning

Peyton Manning, despite being 72 years old, is playing as good of football as he has at any stage of his career. With the arsenal of receivers at his disposal, he’s sure to earn you many points on your Fantasy Team.

Top Five QBs for Fantasy Football: Drew Brees

If you select Drew, your fantasy season will truly be a “Brees.”  Ha!  See what we did there?  If you didn’t, then you, sir, are a dolt, and frankly you have no business telling us how to live our lives.  Just back off.

staffinDET

Top Five QBs for Fantasy Football: Matthew Stafford

Matthew Stafford plays in the city of Detroit, a wasteland composed mostly of wild dogs and abandoned shoe factories. Anyone who can survive in Detroit for longer than two weeks has earned the right to proclaim themselves a bad-ass, and Stafford is no different.  If your fantasy team needs someone who can start a fire with nothing but tin cans as well as hunt squirrels, he’s your guy.

Denver Broncos vice-president John Elway explains his reaction to receiving the call from new quarterback Peyton Manning informing him of his decision to sign with the Broncos in Englewood

Top Five QBs for Fantasy Football: John Elway

Since we’re talking about fantasy, why not draft John Elway on your team? It’s not like you’re actually playing football. John Elway was one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time.  Just imagine if you had John Elway and Calvin Johnson on the same team!  Now that’s what we call “fantasy”!

Top Five QBs for Fantasy Football: Cat With a Top Hat Riding a Unicorn

Flaming-Unicorn

Don’t be a pussy.

For more fantasy football rankings, consult your inner-self.