All posts by Sporting Hipster

Parquet Courts’ ‘Content Nausea’ Reviewed in 100 Words (Or Less)

Parkay Courts’ (it’s the same band you dummy!) debut, ‘Light Up Gold,’ brought an immediacy and “we don’t give a fuck, we’re playing what we want” attitude that had been missing in modern rock since the mid-90s.

‘Content Nausea’ is the second full length released by the band this year, and it feels like they’ve made up for something. ‘Sunbathing Animals’ felt like they were trying, and CN puts the band back where they belong: not giving a fuck.

The tracks flow into each other perfectly and contain the surprise and urgency that keep you coming back.

Colt McCoy Makes List of Top 10 Washington Quarterbacks This Year

ARLINGTON, TX — The state of Texas had mixed emotions following last night’s 20-17 overtime defeat of the Dallas Cowboys by Washington.

Colt McCoy, who played his high school and college football in Texas, led Washington to the upset.  In fact, he played well enough to crack the top 10 quarterbacks for Washington this season.

“Colt really played well,” said Washington head coach Jay Gruden. “Definitely in the top 10 for the year at that position — top 8? Let’s not get crazy.”

Henry Winkler, who played “the Fonz” in the classic “Happy Days” television show, is slated to start next week.

“Why the fuck not? Fuck it,” coach Gruden explained.

Who would you like to see start at quarterback for Washington?

 

Tom Brady Avoiding Hearing About Outcome of Game Until He Can Watch it on DVR

FOXBORO, MA — Tom Brady refused to speak with reporters following the New England Patriots’ 27-25 win over the New York Jets last night, for fear that he would find out what happened.

“I recorded the game!” He shouted at reporters before putting headphones on and racing out of the building. “DON’T TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!”

Brady also reportedly ignored texts from friends and avoided looking at Facebook.

All was nearly lost when he briefly checked the scores of his fantasy league while using the bathroom, but once again coming through in the clutch, Brady tossed his phone for a completion into the toilet to avoid any possibility of learning how the game ended.

“It’s not easy, but it can be done,” says former Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow. “I used to record my games on Tivo, and I managed to make it through several full games without ever knowing what was happening. After I threw the ball I would simply close my eyes and think of the the Lord Jesus instead of whether it was a completion or not.”

Brady reportedly also saved two beers from a recent dinner party just for the occasion. According to sources they will be poured into a chilled glass.

 

Editorial: Just Because We Shot You in the Face Doesn’t Mean We Meant to Hurt You

The following is a very special editorial from the staff of Sporting Hipster.  Following Adrian Peterson’s statement that he never intended to hurt his four-year-old son, despite beating him with a tree branch, we realized it was time we addressed the lingering issue facing our staff: The time we shot you in the face with a gun.

Our attorneys have asked us not to discuss the facts of our pending case with you out of respect for the legal process. Also, they said it would fuck up their messages from Venus. On a side note, if you have any spare change, our attorneys could really use it.

But that’s beside the point. What matters to us the most is you. We love you so much, and we’re really sorry that you got hurt when we shot you in the face with a gun.

When we brought that gun to your house, knocked on your door, and told you that we were going to fucking shoot that stupid smug look off your fucking smug face, we never intended to hurt you.

If we hadn’t had a fake-news blog that treated us that same way, we never would have had the fear of the world instilled in us that made us the blog we are today. It’s out of love.

Believe us, it hurt us more to have to shoot that shit-eating grin off your face than it did you. Sure, you were in the hospital for 17 months and couldn’t breathe or shit on your own, but we had to deal with the guilt that any loving fake-news blog does.

in conclusion, sure, we used a gun and pulled the trigger, but does that mean we meant to?

BTW, we did totally mean to lol.

Release of Ray Rice Video Changes The Past

BALTIMORE — In the wake of the news that the Baltimore Ravens had cut Ray Rice, followed by an “indefinite” suspension from the NFL, scientists across the world are in awe at the power of the video released by TMZ to alter space-time.

“After Rice was arrested in February, his team stood by him at multiple levels of the organization, and he was given a light suspension by the NFL,” says Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson. “Which clearly indicated that the incident was not really that bad.

“However, with the release of the video and the subsequent punishments, we as a scientific community have no choice but to conclude that the release of the video actually altered space and time itself, changing the very nature of the incident.

“How else can you explain this sudden reversal of the Ravens’ and NFL’s positions?  You fucking can’t.”

No word yet on whether Stephen A. Smith became a woman due to the reality-alteration.

 

Fantasy Football: Top Five Quarterbacks to Draft

Millions of a men, and approximately 15 women, are gearing up for the annual ritual known as the “Fantasy Football Draft.”

The research is never done – NEVER – so we here at Sporting Hipster decided we should help you out. Get ready to get mind-fucked by our picks of the top 10 quarterbacks for your fantasy football team.

Peyton_Manning_-_Broncos

Top Five QBs for Fantasy Football: Peyton Manning

Peyton Manning, despite being 72 years old, is playing as good of football as he has at any stage of his career. With the arsenal of receivers at his disposal, he’s sure to earn you many points on your Fantasy Team.

Top Five QBs for Fantasy Football: Drew Brees

If you select Drew, your fantasy season will truly be a “Brees.”  Ha!  See what we did there?  If you didn’t, then you, sir, are a dolt, and frankly you have no business telling us how to live our lives.  Just back off.

staffinDET

Top Five QBs for Fantasy Football: Matthew Stafford

Matthew Stafford plays in the city of Detroit, a wasteland composed mostly of wild dogs and abandoned shoe factories. Anyone who can survive in Detroit for longer than two weeks has earned the right to proclaim themselves a bad-ass, and Stafford is no different.  If your fantasy team needs someone who can start a fire with nothing but tin cans as well as hunt squirrels, he’s your guy.

Denver Broncos vice-president John Elway explains his reaction to receiving the call from new quarterback Peyton Manning informing him of his decision to sign with the Broncos in Englewood

Top Five QBs for Fantasy Football: John Elway

Since we’re talking about fantasy, why not draft John Elway on your team? It’s not like you’re actually playing football. John Elway was one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time.  Just imagine if you had John Elway and Calvin Johnson on the same team!  Now that’s what we call “fantasy”!

Top Five QBs for Fantasy Football: Cat With a Top Hat Riding a Unicorn

Flaming-Unicorn

Don’t be a pussy.

For more fantasy football rankings, consult your inner-self.

Wes Welker Gets Concussion Thinking About Dinner

DENVER, CO — Wes Welker is known for being prone to concussions, but this afternoon that was taken to a whole new level.

“I just kept telling myself, ‘don’t think about anything,'” he told Sporting Hipster. “After this last concussion, I really just wanted to rest and let my brain heal up.”

That’s when tragedy struck, as Welker’s wife arrived and asked him what he wanted for dinner.

“Next thing I know I’m laying on the floor with all these paramedics around me asking me if I know who the president it.”

Doctor Sanjay L. Sudinpar of Harvard Medical School says while rare, this type of injury can occur.

“Take a look at this X-ray. Here you can see residual damage from multiple hits to the head — but look here,” he said, pointing to a white streak. “This is where actual thought-strain can indeed cause a concussion, as in Mr. Welker’s case.

“Now for something really crazy, check this out,” the doctor said as he pinned what appeared to be a still from the Kim Kardashian sextape to the wall, sat back and simply smiled.

The Denver Broncos are understandably concerned for Welker’s health.

“There were times where I definitely had to use cognitive thought as a player,” said John Elway, General Manager and Executive Vice President of the team. “It was rare, but occasionally I had to have thoughts — and that can be hard on the body.”

No word yet on Welker’s possible return, but in the meantime he’s just trying to rest up and protect himself by wearing a comically-oversized suit made of beach balls at all times.

“I’ll get back out there,” he tells us. “I would never let President Carter down like that.”

For more on Wes Welker, visit a site which has articles about him. Go ahead. We said do it! Jesus, just do it.

Peyton Manning Unable to Defend Tackle From Children

DENVER — There was a scare at Denver Broncos training camp this week when Peyton Manning was sacked viciously.

But it wasn’t DeMarcus Ware or Von Miller putting the hurt on Manning. It was – pathetically – his own children.

“Look, sometimes the quarterback goes down in practice,” said offensive lineman Louis Vasquez. “And I know we’re supposed to protect Peyton – but Jesus, being sacked by a couple of kids?  That’s just fucking sad.”

“That fucker went down hard too,” said head coach John Fox. “Holy shit, what the hell?”

Peyton Manning was unavailable for comment as he wept in the locker room showers for several hours after the tackle.

 

Derrick Rose: ‘I’ve never felt more ready to get a serious injury’

LAS VEGAS – Derrick Rose has played in just 49 games in the last three seasons. This week he’s working out with fellow elite players for the first time since his latest season-ending injury at the training camp for Team USA in preparation for the FIBA Basketball World Cup.

Despite recent setbacks, Rose says his time on the bench has only boosted his confidence.

“My confidence is sky-high right now,” he told Sporting Hipster.  “I’m ready to get back out there and tear a major muscle or injure my spine as soon as I can.”

“He’s in prime shape right now,” agrees team doctor Chad Ellis. “Prime shape to rupture an Achilles with even the slightest amount of pressure.”

Chicago Bulls head coach Tom Thibedau echoes these sentiments, and is on board with Rose’s training plan to get injured as quickly as humanly possible.

“We’re confident Derrick will be able to handle any obstacles thrown his way, whether it be well trained muscles that are less likely to sustain injury or proper nutrition and exercise. Whatever the challenge, Derrick will overcome it and end his season within the first five or so games.”

Rose’s confidence is so great, it’s inspiring others. Children in elementary schools across Chicago have been jumping from walls hoping to tear their ACLs.

“The key is patience,” says Rose. “Last time, I was too patient with my recovery and it took me awhile to get hurt.  I won’t make that mistake again.”

 

Man Has Shitty Day Because Fuck You Obama

DES MOINES, IA. – Tom Donnelly’s day started with the alarm being broken and not waking him up in time.

He was late to work.

“Then when I show up, all the bosses are having this big meeting in the conference room that has a bunch of windows, and they all turn and stare at me as I walk in 30 minutes late.”

This isn’t the first time Tom has started his day poorly, but from there it only got worse.

“Then my wife calls, and the kid is puking at school,” Tom laments from his cubicle, where Sporting Hipster shadowed him as part of our American Lives series.

Tom’s day went on to consist of even more heartache. He twisted his ankle, dropped tomato sauce on his shirt during lunch and even bit his tongue at one point.

But the most frightening part of Tom Donnelly’s tale is that it’s not the first time he’s had a day like this – and it likely won’t be the last.

“I hate to say it, but ever since you-know-who took office, this is the new normal.”

That’s right, Tom’s days have become progressively shittier over the past five and a half years, ever since Barack Obama was sworn in as President of the United State of America.

In fact, Tom can often be head muttering “God dammit Obama” when he drops a pen at an inconvenient time, or fails to zip up his pants.

And according to research, Tom’s experience may have some scientific backing.

“Look at this chart,” says Chief Research Scientist of the University of Vermont at Chicago, Leif Fredriccson. “Here you can see the number of shitty days before Obama took office, and here is the number of shitty days post-Obama – or as I call it, ‘O-day.’ As you can see, the number of stupid, shitty-ass days has more than quadrupled since that fuck-face – pardon me, since President Obama took office.

“On a sidenote,” Dr. Fredriccson continues, “tell that piece of shit to keep his government hands out of my federally funded university pension.”

When asked what his research criteria were for what constitutes a “shitty day,” Dr. Fredriccson simply farted and waved his hands towards the reporter.

But not all is lost for people like Tom Donnelly. He finds comfort in knowing that others feel the same way.

“I started a Facebook group, and I’ve already got over 30 members! We can all share our stories of how Obama is fucking us each and every day.

“One woman told us the other day how Obama made the line long at the bank, and a young man getting ready to go to college talked about how Obama made him watch and masturbate to gay pornography against his will.

“The good thing is, the American people are starting to speak up, and the Republican party is as strong as it’s ever been.”

Sporting Hipster covers the plight of regular Americans like you as part of our ‘American Lives’ series.  Stay tuned for more installments.