All posts by Sporting Hipster

Victims of Domestic Violence Overjoyed at Ray Rice Suspension

BALTIMORE, MD. – The NFL handed out one of the most severe punishments in the history of the world when it handed running back Ray Rice a two-game – you read that right, two-game – suspension for assaulting and knocking unconscious his fiancé.

“Fuck my life, FUCK FUCK FUCK,” Rice said in a statement. “This is the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me. I regret everything so much. My god, what kind of a man am I? What have I done?”

“I mean, I’ve seen some bad punishments,” ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith said. “Jeffry Dahmer beaten to death in jail; inmates executed on death row; all that weird shit that happens in Quentin Tarantino movies – but this is by far the worst punishment I have ever seen handed down in recorded history.”

Victims of domestic violence against women the world over applauded the move, calling it “appropriate” and “logical.”

Streets were filled with revelry across the country as women praised the NFL for it’s courageous actions. Chants of “Goodell clearly appreciates women” could be heard as men and women clasped hands and hugged, some openly weeping with joy with the notion that the issue of domestic violence could finally be put to bed.

But some feel the punishment may have been too harsh.

“I’m  glad he’s getting punished, don’t get me wrong,” said Marsha Smith, head of an advocacy group for abused women. “But this is even worse than I could have ever expected.  I almost feel sorry for him.  Poor guy.  I just hope he can pick himself back up from this blow – unlike his fiancé was able to after he knocked her the fuck out.  Unlike her, he deserves that chance.”

Marsha then simply shook her head and muttered to herself, “Holy fuck, two games.”

Fans of the Baltimore Ravens have taken the punishment as best they can.

“I’m just glad he didn’t do something really bad,” said local fan Jason Riley. “You know, like smoke weed.”

 

Baseball! Five Tips for Enjoying America’s Pastime

The laughter of children; the sweet smell of apple pie cooling on a windowsill; the sour odor of genital sweat.

That’s right, it’s baseball season!

For those of you unfamiliar with the sport (aka, terrorist fucks), Sporting Hipster has put together a beginner’s guide to America’s Pastime, just for you, you fucking terrorist fuck.

Here are 10 tips that will tell you all you need to know about becoming a fan of baseball:

1. There are balls

Balls! Balls! Glorious, heavenly, dirt-stained balls! One of the first things you should know – you fucking terrorist piece of shit – is that baseball involves balls. Typically they are round, and made of yeti intestines.

2. There are bats

The second piece of important equipment used in the game of American baseball is the bat, a live animal which normally feeds on the blood of cows and children’s nightmares. In the game of baseball, bats are trained and released at carefully timed intervals to hopefully intercept the ball as it is thrown. With luck, the bat will carry the ball to the moon.  This is known as a “home run.”

3. Unspoken rules

One of the first things you’ll learn about baseball is that it is governed by a complex set of secret codes and rules which are known only to  the knights who perform the ritual of “base-running.”shhh2

These rules have been rumored to include items such as:

  • Spit on the ground to show your love for another player
  • Never stab another player’s wife, unless the bitch deserves it
  • Always wear your cleats on the proper feet
  • Fuck you, you fucking terrorist

4. Peanuts

Baseball is a nutty game.

peanut

The best thing you can possibly do at a baseball game is to buy a giant bag of peanuts (we recommend 10 lbs. or larger), punch it repeatedly until the contents are sharp and irritating to one’s eyes, and dump the contents on the people sitting in front of you.

5. Terms to Know

Baseball has many terms specific to the sport, and their meanings aren’t always obvious.  Learning this basic terminology will enhance your enjoyment of the game and make you look like an expert among your friends (that’ll show that bitch Joan):

dictionary

Umpire: A priest whose face may only be seen by the man he is about to marry. He marries several men every game.

Left Field: A wasteland of animal bones and tar pits where the least liked players are sent to die.

Belly Itcher: An imposter who occasionally kidnaps and murders the pitcher, and is not generally wanted.

Terrorist Fuck: You.

6. Picking a team

If you’re going to pretend to enjoy baseball (because clearly nobody actually enjoys it) you’ll need to pick a favorite team.  Will it be the Seattle Mariners? Will it be the Colorado Rockies?

No, it will probably be the Boston Red Sox. Why? Because you’re a fucking fucker.

7. Replay rules

New this season are instant replay rules, which are designed to ensure umpires get calls right.

The instant replay occurs when a call is contested by a manager and there is reasonable evidence to support a reexamination of the play. The umpires then hire professional actors, through a series of auditions, to reenact the play as accurately as possible.

Based on the quality of the performance, the umpires decide who lives – and who dies.

8. Seventh Inning Stretch

48adv_leg_stretch3

One of the most ancient and baffling rituals in the game of base-ball is the “Seventh Inning Stretch.”

It typically occurs later in the game, and consists of singing a song of the Old Times, wherein attendees are reminded to root for the home team and to eat peanuts (see above).

It is called a “stretch” to honor those who are very tall.

Conclusion

Now that you have this information in hand, you can purchase tickets to the next baseball game in your local municipality, and no one will even realize what a terrorist piece of shit you are.

Fuck you.

Did we miss any tips concerning the game of baseball? Let us know in the comments below.

Guy Who Said World Cup “Changed Soccer in America” Doesn’t Remember it Ever Happening

SANTA BARBARA, CA – The guy in the cubicle next to you – whose name you never bothered to learn – has completely forgotten the World Cup ever happened, despite arguing just two weeks ago that it had “changed soccer forever in America.”

During the conversation the guy made statements such as: “Kids growing up are going to want to play on the world stage, not just for an American audience like in the NBA.”  As well as: “I think there’s going to be a big jump in MLS attendance after this.”

However, the guy didn’t even bother to watch the World Cup final, and when questioned if he was going to watch the L.A. Galaxy game, he blankly stared at you with saliva slowly dripping from his mouth.

Nobody contributed to this report, including the author.

 

Tennis Played in Indiana

INDIANA — According to sources close to the situation, tennis has been played in the state of Indiana.

This comes as a shock to you. You didn’t know that tennis could be played in the state of Indiana. You thought that people mostly played it in New York, or maybe Ohio. But Indiana?

Christ, what has this country come to?

The game was apparently played between a couple, a man and a woman, who were both white. The rackets used were purchased at a nearby sporting goods store a few days earlier.

The woman won the match with the man feigning apathy.

Following this news you stabbed yourself in the face.

Five Tips for Beginning Runners

Getting started running is hard!  Trust us, we know, as each one of us on the Sporting Hipster staff (that’s right, all 18,000 of us!) runs 1,700 miles everyday.

We thought we’d share our expertise with you, our beloved readers.  Here are five tips for beginning runners:

1. Don’t amputate your legs.

Sure, your legs can get annoying. We’ve all had those moments where we were like, “What the fuck, legs?”

But if you’re considering running it’s best to keep them.

“Having legs is an essential part of running,” says Dr. John Chambers.

“Sure, you can get those blade runner thingies like that South African dude, but then you have to shoot your girlfriend.  So, I guess you can do it if you want to kill your girlfriend, but I still wouldn’t recommend it.”

2. Eat foods which have nutrients.

Are you eating a strict paper-only diet? Stop it, silly! We’ve found that it’s best to eat food when beginning a running regimen.

3. Feel free to run over 100 miles on your first day.

Don’t be a bitch. Do it.

4. Spend $10,000 on running shoes.

Buy every pair you see, and only the most expensive ones. Pile the shoes in your living room until you can’t breathe.  Proceed to choke and die.

5. Suck my ass.

Suck it.

 

U.S. Gives a Shit About Soccer for A While

UNITED STATES – Michael Smith, senior accounting specialist at a local health insurance company somewhere near a city in America, sports his red, white and blue scarf.

“I just can’t believe it. I’m so happy that we made it to the next round,” he says with a beaming smile.

Two weeks ago, Michael didn’t know jack shit about soccer. He still struggles to understand the offsides rules and couldn’t have spoken a U.S. Men’s National Team player’s name if his life depended on it.

But for a few more days, he insists, he’ll give a fuck.

“Soccer is going to be huuuuuge after this!”

A study conducted by Sporting Hipster found that roughly 80% of the United States suffers from this same syndrome of giving a shit about soccer during the World Cup, while 20% of the country actually enjoys soccer for what it is.

“This is an epidemic,” says Dr. John LeRue. “But man, did you see the end of that Portugal game? That shit was fuuuuucked up bro!”

Republicans are preparing a bill that would outlaw caring about soccer and make it punishable by death. As of publication time there was no word whether the dipshits would get it pushed through.

 

 

Romney rips Obama’s testicles from body and force feeds them to him during debate

DENVER — Everyone agrees — the media, your grandmother, hell even your pet weasel — that Mitt Romney soundly defeated President Barack Obama in last night’s first 2012 Presidential Debate.

But the defining moment wasn’t when Romney continued to attack a seemingly docile and distracted President.  Nor was it when he reached out to middle-income families across America.

 

It was when he physically walked across the stage, grabbed Obama by the nards, forcefully ripped them from his body and stuffed them rudely down his throat, all while President Obama simply nodded and took notes.

 

The President’s campaign was in full damage-control mode this morning.

 

“FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!” The White House press secretary stated during a news conference, before hacking his own head off with a dull switchblade.

 

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney has been granted three extra afterlife worlds and 10,000 angel sex whores for his good Mormon deed.

Summer Olympics 2012: Olympic Spirit banned for doping

 

LONDON — The 2012 London Olympic Games were full of excitement, intense competition, and world-record-breaking performances.  Behind it all there was a communal sense of honest and fair competition amongst the athletes of the Games. Many call this intangible Olympic quality the Olympic Spirit.

 

But Sporting Hipster has learned, in an exclusive report, that a drug test taken by the Olympic Spirit shortly after the Games has returned a positive result for steroids, amphetamines, marijuana, green tea, elf blood, dog dick, human growth hormones, and corn dogs.

 

“This is a complete travesty,” said the head of the IOC in an annoying French accent.  “Le poop!”

 

The Olympic Spirit has been stripped of all of its moments of Olympic glory, essentially nullifying anything you enjoyed.

Media uses suspect’s name while vowing never to use suspect’s name

AURORA, CO — “It’s all about the victims,” the media told Sporting Hipster at a special press conference this morning.  “In fact, we’re not even going to say the suspect’s name, which happens to be …” 

 

The media then spent several minutes explaining their vow not to use the suspect’s name while using it approximately 18 times in 90 seconds.  They also vowed not to provide media attention to the suspect, while noting every facial movement he’s ever made, where he attended pre-school, the color of his underwear on November 18, 1996, and the amount of uric acid currently in his body.  

 

“But other than that,” the media said, “we’re totally not going to mention him or give him any attention.”

 

“Individuals in these types of massacres tend to seek notoriety and fame,” Jack Samson, Assistant Professor of Psychology at Harvard University told Sporting Hipster.  “So it’s vitally important that we as a society refuse to give these killers this type of attention when these things occur, we simply cannot — wait, hold on, I just got a text message.  Looks like he just pooped!  Holy shit, I’m putting CNN on,” Jack said gleefully.

 

Rather than entirely avoid using the suspect’s name, Sporting Hipster has made the editorial decision to use an alias.  From now on, anytime you see us use “Dipshit Mcfuckfaceasslickerfuck,” you’ll know what we mean.