Category Archives: American Football

Colt McCoy Makes List of Top 10 Washington Quarterbacks This Year

ARLINGTON, TX — The state of Texas had mixed emotions following last night’s 20-17 overtime defeat of the Dallas Cowboys by Washington.

Colt McCoy, who played his high school and college football in Texas, led Washington to the upset.  In fact, he played well enough to crack the top 10 quarterbacks for Washington this season.

“Colt really played well,” said Washington head coach Jay Gruden. “Definitely in the top 10 for the year at that position — top 8? Let’s not get crazy.”

Henry Winkler, who played “the Fonz” in the classic “Happy Days” television show, is slated to start next week.

“Why the fuck not? Fuck it,” coach Gruden explained.

Who would you like to see start at quarterback for Washington?

 

Tom Brady Avoiding Hearing About Outcome of Game Until He Can Watch it on DVR

FOXBORO, MA — Tom Brady refused to speak with reporters following the New England Patriots’ 27-25 win over the New York Jets last night, for fear that he would find out what happened.

“I recorded the game!” He shouted at reporters before putting headphones on and racing out of the building. “DON’T TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!”

Brady also reportedly ignored texts from friends and avoided looking at Facebook.

All was nearly lost when he briefly checked the scores of his fantasy league while using the bathroom, but once again coming through in the clutch, Brady tossed his phone for a completion into the toilet to avoid any possibility of learning how the game ended.

“It’s not easy, but it can be done,” says former Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow. “I used to record my games on Tivo, and I managed to make it through several full games without ever knowing what was happening. After I threw the ball I would simply close my eyes and think of the the Lord Jesus instead of whether it was a completion or not.”

Brady reportedly also saved two beers from a recent dinner party just for the occasion. According to sources they will be poured into a chilled glass.

 

Release of Ray Rice Video Changes The Past

BALTIMORE — In the wake of the news that the Baltimore Ravens had cut Ray Rice, followed by an “indefinite” suspension from the NFL, scientists across the world are in awe at the power of the video released by TMZ to alter space-time.

“After Rice was arrested in February, his team stood by him at multiple levels of the organization, and he was given a light suspension by the NFL,” says Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson. “Which clearly indicated that the incident was not really that bad.

“However, with the release of the video and the subsequent punishments, we as a scientific community have no choice but to conclude that the release of the video actually altered space and time itself, changing the very nature of the incident.

“How else can you explain this sudden reversal of the Ravens’ and NFL’s positions?  You fucking can’t.”

No word yet on whether Stephen A. Smith became a woman due to the reality-alteration.

 

Fantasy Football: Top Five Quarterbacks to Draft

Millions of a men, and approximately 15 women, are gearing up for the annual ritual known as the “Fantasy Football Draft.”

The research is never done – NEVER – so we here at Sporting Hipster decided we should help you out. Get ready to get mind-fucked by our picks of the top 10 quarterbacks for your fantasy football team.

Peyton_Manning_-_Broncos

Top Five QBs for Fantasy Football: Peyton Manning

Peyton Manning, despite being 72 years old, is playing as good of football as he has at any stage of his career. With the arsenal of receivers at his disposal, he’s sure to earn you many points on your Fantasy Team.

Top Five QBs for Fantasy Football: Drew Brees

If you select Drew, your fantasy season will truly be a “Brees.”  Ha!  See what we did there?  If you didn’t, then you, sir, are a dolt, and frankly you have no business telling us how to live our lives.  Just back off.

staffinDET

Top Five QBs for Fantasy Football: Matthew Stafford

Matthew Stafford plays in the city of Detroit, a wasteland composed mostly of wild dogs and abandoned shoe factories. Anyone who can survive in Detroit for longer than two weeks has earned the right to proclaim themselves a bad-ass, and Stafford is no different.  If your fantasy team needs someone who can start a fire with nothing but tin cans as well as hunt squirrels, he’s your guy.

Denver Broncos vice-president John Elway explains his reaction to receiving the call from new quarterback Peyton Manning informing him of his decision to sign with the Broncos in Englewood

Top Five QBs for Fantasy Football: John Elway

Since we’re talking about fantasy, why not draft John Elway on your team? It’s not like you’re actually playing football. John Elway was one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time.  Just imagine if you had John Elway and Calvin Johnson on the same team!  Now that’s what we call “fantasy”!

Top Five QBs for Fantasy Football: Cat With a Top Hat Riding a Unicorn

Flaming-Unicorn

Don’t be a pussy.

For more fantasy football rankings, consult your inner-self.

Wes Welker Gets Concussion Thinking About Dinner

DENVER, CO — Wes Welker is known for being prone to concussions, but this afternoon that was taken to a whole new level.

“I just kept telling myself, ‘don’t think about anything,'” he told Sporting Hipster. “After this last concussion, I really just wanted to rest and let my brain heal up.”

That’s when tragedy struck, as Welker’s wife arrived and asked him what he wanted for dinner.

“Next thing I know I’m laying on the floor with all these paramedics around me asking me if I know who the president it.”

Doctor Sanjay L. Sudinpar of Harvard Medical School says while rare, this type of injury can occur.

“Take a look at this X-ray. Here you can see residual damage from multiple hits to the head — but look here,” he said, pointing to a white streak. “This is where actual thought-strain can indeed cause a concussion, as in Mr. Welker’s case.

“Now for something really crazy, check this out,” the doctor said as he pinned what appeared to be a still from the Kim Kardashian sextape to the wall, sat back and simply smiled.

The Denver Broncos are understandably concerned for Welker’s health.

“There were times where I definitely had to use cognitive thought as a player,” said John Elway, General Manager and Executive Vice President of the team. “It was rare, but occasionally I had to have thoughts — and that can be hard on the body.”

No word yet on Welker’s possible return, but in the meantime he’s just trying to rest up and protect himself by wearing a comically-oversized suit made of beach balls at all times.

“I’ll get back out there,” he tells us. “I would never let President Carter down like that.”

For more on Wes Welker, visit a site which has articles about him. Go ahead. We said do it! Jesus, just do it.

Peyton Manning Unable to Defend Tackle From Children

DENVER — There was a scare at Denver Broncos training camp this week when Peyton Manning was sacked viciously.

But it wasn’t DeMarcus Ware or Von Miller putting the hurt on Manning. It was – pathetically – his own children.

“Look, sometimes the quarterback goes down in practice,” said offensive lineman Louis Vasquez. “And I know we’re supposed to protect Peyton – but Jesus, being sacked by a couple of kids?  That’s just fucking sad.”

“That fucker went down hard too,” said head coach John Fox. “Holy shit, what the hell?”

Peyton Manning was unavailable for comment as he wept in the locker room showers for several hours after the tackle.

 

Victims of Domestic Violence Overjoyed at Ray Rice Suspension

BALTIMORE, MD. – The NFL handed out one of the most severe punishments in the history of the world when it handed running back Ray Rice a two-game – you read that right, two-game – suspension for assaulting and knocking unconscious his fiancé.

“Fuck my life, FUCK FUCK FUCK,” Rice said in a statement. “This is the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me. I regret everything so much. My god, what kind of a man am I? What have I done?”

“I mean, I’ve seen some bad punishments,” ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith said. “Jeffry Dahmer beaten to death in jail; inmates executed on death row; all that weird shit that happens in Quentin Tarantino movies – but this is by far the worst punishment I have ever seen handed down in recorded history.”

Victims of domestic violence against women the world over applauded the move, calling it “appropriate” and “logical.”

Streets were filled with revelry across the country as women praised the NFL for it’s courageous actions. Chants of “Goodell clearly appreciates women” could be heard as men and women clasped hands and hugged, some openly weeping with joy with the notion that the issue of domestic violence could finally be put to bed.

But some feel the punishment may have been too harsh.

“I’m  glad he’s getting punished, don’t get me wrong,” said Marsha Smith, head of an advocacy group for abused women. “But this is even worse than I could have ever expected.  I almost feel sorry for him.  Poor guy.  I just hope he can pick himself back up from this blow – unlike his fiancé was able to after he knocked her the fuck out.  Unlike her, he deserves that chance.”

Marsha then simply shook her head and muttered to herself, “Holy fuck, two games.”

Fans of the Baltimore Ravens have taken the punishment as best they can.

“I’m just glad he didn’t do something really bad,” said local fan Jason Riley. “You know, like smoke weed.”