Category Archives: Geekdom

Video Games, technology, etc.

Preoccupy L.A. fails to gain steam

 

LOS ANGELES–A new movement similar in nature to the nationwide Occupy movement is so far failing to gain steam.

 

Derek McLincoln, a 9th year senior at UCLA, founded the movement on his website last week.   He organized a large march to take place over the weekend, with the intention of “doing things that keep us from doing other things — against greed!”

 

“Everyone wants to occupy this and that,” he said, in an exclusive interview with Sporting Hipster.  “But what about preoccupation?  Are we so preoccupied with occupying that we’ve forgotten to preoccupy ourselves in the first place?”

 

Derek expected “thousands” to show up for his planned march, but when he arrived he found only two children, who were actually waiting for a bus. 

 

“I guess everyone was just too busy occupying themselves with other things to get preoccupied.”

Media to Commemorate 10th Anniversary of 9/11 by Reminding You How Fucking Awful it Was As Many Times As Possible

The media confirmed its plans today for the weekend as the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks approaches.

 

“It was one of the worst days in the history of our nation,”  said CBS executive Charles Brownstone.  “And we want to make sure you feel that pain and suffering this weekend as if it was the day it happened.”

 

Sources report that the media as a whole met sometime last month to finalize their plans.  “Let’s skullfuck these people with images of the planes crashing into the buildings, people jumping to their deaths, and hold up pictures of children who died,”  Anderson Cooper was quoted as saying. “This is it people, our finest moment.”

 

The History Channel is planning a 24-hour replay of the worst images,  ala TBS’s annual A Christmas Story marathon. Animal Planet is planning reenactments using puppies and kittens that are up for adoption.  Meanwhile, the Food Network will be doing a special on recipes that use building rubble.

 

“The events of that day are unforgettable, horrific and deeply painful for the entire country,” Tom Brokaw told Sporting Hipster.  “And we want to ensure we remind everyone what that pain and sadness feels like with constant reminders barraging them at every turn.”

Webster announces plans to place Harold Camping’s picture next to word “fucktarded”

Webster, the publisher of the most used and respected English language dictionary, today announced that it will be proud to feature Harold Camping’s image next to the addition of the word “fucktarded” in the 2012 edition.

 

“Many people think the old saying of having a picture of someone next to a word in the dictionary to illustrate its meaning is a myth.  To them I say, ‘shut up,'” said John Joseph Webster, great great grandson of Dictionary Webster, the inventor of the dictionary.

 

Other candidates included Charlie Sheen, Donald Trump, and you, you fucktard.

 

Someday, They Will Clap for My Death at the Oscars

Watching the extremely boring and dull end to the Oscars last night, it was hard to forget those Hollywood stars and starlets that have left us this year. Especially because they force it in your face, as if looking at James Cameron’s rapidly deteriorating smug face and wispy hipster haircut isn’t reminder enough that we will all someday die.

 

 

 

I realized something as the yearly “In Memoriam” tribute ran, running the gamut from some sound technician you’ve never heard of, to some washed up actress you never knew existed. As I understand it, the audience cheers louder in accordance with which person they are the happiest died. This is really the only logical conclusion one can reach.

 

For instance: people are really fucking happy that Michael Jackson died, while they are deeply saddened that Army Archerd passed away.

 

And as I watched this, wiping the Cheeto crumbs from my fingers unto my bare chest, I realized something. If I play my cards just right, someday people will clap for my death at the Oscars.

 

Getting the Biggest Cheer on the Oscars ‘In Memoriam’ Segment Tip #1

My first line of business is to get some big roles. I’ve contacted my agent. He’s between homes right now, so he said it might take him a while to get back to me, but I think that will only motivate him to net me that big job even faster. That and his addiction to methamphetamines.

 

Getting the Biggest Cheer on the Oscars ‘In Memoriam’ Segment Tip #2

Second, I’ll need to do something really fucking awful, so that they cheer and hoot when they show my image from whatever shit-fest family drama I acted in. Like Michael Jackson, he did some inappropriate things with children, and look how much people jeered him at the Oscars. I’m thinking something along similar lines, but with animals. Any suggestions? Platypus and armadillos top the list so far.

 

Getting the Biggest Cheer on the Oscars ‘In Memoriam’ Segment Tip #3

Finally, I”ll want to have one night stands with as many hot actresses as possible. Women statistically outlive men consistently, so most likely they’ll still be pissed that I dumped them, and still be acting when I pass on due to “natural causes” (hello prescription med overdose!!). Those old bitches will really give me the cat call. And you know what? They’ll still be hot for me.

 

I’ll keep Sporting Hipster readers updated on my progress…

 

 

 

Obama, Arnold Schwarzenegger Set Aside Political Differences to “Kick Some Serious Earthquake Ass” in Haiti

Barak Obama and Arnold Schwarzenegger held an unprecedented press conference via live sattelite to their secret underground submarine, as it raced towards the Caribbean.

“People of the world,” Obama said sternly, “we come to you from deep in the sea, on a very high priority mission. As you know, a great evil has fallen upon the people of Haiti. Well, we’re not gonna stand for it,” he quipped as the camera panned out to reveal republican Schwarzenegger tying a bandana around his head.

 

“That’s right, my once rival,” Arnold chimed in. “This superquake has screwed with the wrong dudes. Earthquake, look in my eyes: I’m coming for YOU.” He said as he slid a thumb across his throat.

 

“We commin’ to fuck you up!” Obama screamed, locking his 9mm glock.

 

No word yet from the Earthquake, but most experts expect it to shit itself and commit suicide before suffering the wrath of Shwarzobama.

 

 

Steve Jobs to Announce Release of First Ever iButt

In a stunning announcement from this year’s Consumer Electronics Show (CES), Apple founder and tech icon Steve Jobs revealed the latest revolutionary personal technology from the company that has changed the way people listen to music and use cellphones.

 

“The iButt is the first ever fully digital, touch sensitive personal butt device for consumers around the world.” He said during a presentation at CES 2010.

 

 

 

 

“This will revolutionize the way people sit, fart, poop, shart, bend over, ass-bump, have anal sex, look at buttholes, and wipe, among other things.”

 

Analysts across industry dailies are already buzzing, calling this the death of “analogue butts,” and the “radical reinvention of glute based industry.”

 

The iButt is slated to be released sometime in the next 3-437 months.

 

 

 

 

NBC Is a Dick: Wants to Bump Conan for Leno

How would you feel if your company told you that you were getting a huge promotion, had you move to a new city, and promised years of glory in this new role? Pretty good, right? What if that company then said, fuck you, go fuck yourself you little fuckface.

 

 

 

Well, that’s exactly what NBC did to Conan O’ Brien, the funniest man alive.

 

Why? Advertising dollars have dropped for the Tonight Show since Conan took over. Of course, this is exactly what happened when Conan took over the Late Show from David Letterman — but producers stuck with Conan and his genius, and he killed it. Especially in advertisers’ golden demographic – males age 18-34. Advertisers aren’t paying as much for Conan’s Tonight Show these days — maybe because they’re ad sales dept. is still trying to sell to companies that typically target moronic, obese, lazy over 50 conservative losers — aka Leno’s audience.

 

Conan – go to Fox. Fuck NBC, they are dickless cunts. Literally.