Category Archives: Sports

Sports related content.

Summer Olympics 2012: Olympic Spirit banned for doping

 

LONDON — The 2012 London Olympic Games were full of excitement, intense competition, and world-record-breaking performances.  Behind it all there was a communal sense of honest and fair competition amongst the athletes of the Games. Many call this intangible Olympic quality the Olympic Spirit.

 

But Sporting Hipster has learned, in an exclusive report, that a drug test taken by the Olympic Spirit shortly after the Games has returned a positive result for steroids, amphetamines, marijuana, green tea, elf blood, dog dick, human growth hormones, and corn dogs.

 

“This is a complete travesty,” said the head of the IOC in an annoying French accent.  “Le poop!”

 

The Olympic Spirit has been stripped of all of its moments of Olympic glory, essentially nullifying anything you enjoyed.

Jeremy Lin Offends Self by Eating Fortune Cookie

NEW YORK–Jeremy Lin and the Linsanity craze is the hottest story in sports right now.   But American media has been unsure how to handle a popular Asian-American athlete.  

In the latest offensive gesture, Jeremy Lin was recently spotted eating a fortune cookie after a meal at a Taiwanese restaurant in New York, which immediately created a media firestorm.    

 

“Dats effed up bro y u have n0 r3sp3ct,” tweeted Floyd Mayweather Jr.

 

Headlines blasted Lin for offending Lin, and several people at various newspapers were fired for even thinking about publishing anything that maybe could be offensive. 

 

“I thought about including a note about the post-colonial nature of current Taiwanese culture,” said Joe McNabb, a reporter in New York.  “But my boss noticed that I had included something about how boba tea is popular in Taiwan, and said it was really insensitive. Funny part is, he was sipping on one when he fired me.  At least I can appreciate the rich irony of it all.”

 

Jeremy Lin himself seemed unaffected by his own offensive act, as he simply chewed the fortune cookie, his saliva breaking down the cookie until it ultimately made it’s way through his intestinal tract.   When reached for comment, he simply said, “Who are you?  Why do you keep following me?”

 

It’s unclear when the New York Knicks will cut the rest of the team, and have a team of only non-offensive Asian-Americans, but one thing is for sure — fortune cookies are fun!

Puppy Bowl Marred by Poor Sportsmanship

The NDFL (National Dog Football League) is scrambling today to repair its damaged reputation following last night’s Puppy Bowl.

 

 

In what looked to be a great matchup between the New England Pomeranians and the New York German Shepherds, fans across the country were buzzing with excitement.   Unfortunately, the game quickly lost all form or structure, and resorted to rampant butt and ball licking, biting, and one of the poorest displays of sporstmanship ever witnessed on dog sports’ biggest stage.

 

“The refs had absolutely no control,” Gill Summers of ESPN (Entertainment Sports Pet Network) noted.  “From the outset of the first quarter, there wasn’t a single actual play made. It was like watching a bunch of animals with raging boners chasing each other around.  Which, of course, actually happened.”

 

Fans were equally displeased.  Mary Smith, who owns three Labradors and has been a NDFL fan for over 50 years,  paid nearly $8,000 for her Puppy Bowl ticket. 

 

“I was ripped off,” she told Sporting Hipster following the game.  “One of them was literally eating their own shit.”

 

The game was finally called off when New England Pomeranian quarterback, Terrier Beef O’Brady, peed on the head of an opposing player.

 

“It’s really a shame,” Mary continued.  “This could have been the pinnacle of puppy sports.  Instead, it was nothing but a mockery.”

 

Joe Paterno to Retire With Fond Farewells, Class, and Clean Record

Joe Paterno announced today that he will retire after a storied 46-season career as head coach at Penn State.   He is expected to go down as the only coach with a clean record, who ran a program that had absolutely no blemishes.

 

 

“What else can you possibly say about this guy?”  Said University President  Graham Spanier.  “He’s run the one and only clean program in all of the NCAA, and there is literally not one single thing I can say has or will affect his legacy in any possible way.  I’m totally racking my brain right now trying to think of just one single negative thing related to this coaching administration that could possibly change anyone’s thinking, and you know what?  I can’t do it.”

 

Paterno’s retirement will likely be highlighted by spirited and uplifting reviews of his career, funny oversized glasses in tribute, and a general happy feeling by all.  It is expected to be a very lighthearted affair with no controversy whatsoever, and little to no media coverage is planned.

 

When Sporting Hipster asked Spanier about how he felt about the child raping accusations swirling around Penn State, he simply responded, “Nope, can’t think of one negative thing.”

NCAA to merge into one giant superconference

 

NEW YORK — The NCAA today sought to ease fears around the college landscape as major conference moves continue to threaten the current structure. 

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, there is no need to worry,” said spokesman Dan Johnson.  “We have a plan that will make every team and school happy, as well as fans across the nation.   We are completely eliminating all conferences, and will instead simply have one, mega-conference.”  

 

The move was greeted with criticism, which the NCAA quickly sought to quell.

 

“Everyone wants to know how the national championship will work now.  To make it easy, we’ve decided to just have Oklahoma and Florida play for the national title every single year from here on out.   Beyond that, teams are allowed to play whoever they want, whenever they want, in an unprecedented move of liberation.

 

“In fact, we’re making it so teams don’t even have to schedule the games.  Just head on over to whomever you want to play, and let them know you want to challenge them to a little competition.   We’re also encouraging smaller schools to try something new that we’ve never allowed before:  multiple games on the same field at once.  That’s right, we’ll allow four, five, hell maybe even 10 schools to play each other all at once on the same field.”

 

When asked about what this means for title chances of any schools besides Oklahoma and Flordia, the spokesman replied: “My wife is so hot.  Dude, I can’t believe I get to bang that.”  

 

He then took yet another swig of whiskey.  Which prompted questions from the press of why he was delivering the speech from a street corner in  a rundown section of L.A., and appeared to be homeless.

 

“Don’t judge me,” he replied.

Bracketologist Sued for Malpractice

A stunning announcement hit the bracketology community following one of the wildest weekends in recent NCAA basketball tournament history.

 

Noted bracketologist, Dr. Irving L. Smith, is being sued in federal court for malpractice stemming from “gross negligence in the matter of VCU and Butler.”

 

The suit,a class action lawsuit with some 20 million plaintiffs, alleges that the bracketologist failed to do any research on the strengths of VCU, and simply assumed their conference was “totally weak.”

 

 

Furthermore, the suit alleges, Dr. Smith failed to recognize how overrated the Big East is.

 

“This sucks ass,” said Jason O’Neill.  “I had Notre Dame and Pitt in the Final Four.  Dammit.”

 

Dr. Smith received his bracketology degree in 1974 from the University of Rhode Island, which has one of the most highly touted programs in the country.  Between his studies at the university and his residence at the Lunardi Institute, he is one of the most respected bracketologists in the nation.

 

 

Denver Nuggets Finally Complete Trade for Anthony Carter

DENVER — The Denver Nuggets are breathing a sigh of relief.  Even though it was difficult, they were finally able to trade the perennially mediocre Anthony Carter.

 

“We knew we’d have to give up a lot to get rid of him.  And if that meant trading Carmelo Anthony, god dammit, we were gonna do it,” team president Josh Kroenke said in an unprepared statement.

 

“He was a god damn drain on my team,” Coach Karl said.  “I don’t know why I even played him.  I mean, sure, he had maybe 3 decent games for us and hit one shot that actually meant something, but outside of that I felt like I was staring a blank wall when I looked into his eyes.”

 

 

 

The team’s hatred of Anthony Carter, or AC, was apparently widespread.

 

“We called him AC, alright,” said J.R. Smith.  “But when we said it, we usually meant ‘ass clown’ or ‘anal cunt.'”

 

Fans are also reacting positively to the trade.

 

“Carmelo got sucked into a deal that simply had to be done,” said Jimmy Curley.  “It’s unfortunate, but you didn’t want to get  Shawn Bradleyed by the guy.”

NFL history made as first ever vagina starts at QB for Chicago Bears in NFC Championship

Vaginas across the nation are applauding the Chicago Bears’ history making start in yesterday’s NFC Championship contest.

 

 

The first ever player entirely made of a human vagina and nothing else started the game.

 

“What we have here is a significant sign of the progress this league has made in terms of diversity,” said Bill Gramatica, who notoriously tore his uterus lining while celebrating a made field goal.

 

But surprisingly, not all of the vaginas out there are exactly excited about the Bears’ move.

 

“That dude’s a fucking pussy,” said Christina Martingale, head of the Women’s Anti-Defamation League of America. 

 

John Fox Excited to Coach John Elway

John Fox, seemingly unclear on the current Broncos personnel, said today that he is very excited to coach John Elway.

 

“He’s one of the best qaurterbacks of all time, how could I not be excited?”  He said in a press conference.  When told John Elway is not playing anymore but is in an executive position, MR. Fox simply mumbled “Elway” over and over to himself.

 

 

Josh McDaniels orders chicken sandwich over bowl of chili, regrets it immediately

Josh McDaniels can’t seem to stop making bad decisions.

 

First, Peyton Hillis.  Then, firing Mike Nolan.  And now:  lunch.

        

“The chili was on special, but I had already had some earlier in the week,” McD said tearfully at a press conference this afternoon. 

 

The sophomore coach then went back and forth between the chili special and chicken sandwich, which “looked pretty good.”   Sadly, the chicken was a bit dry, and McDaniels again regretted a major decision.

 

“There’s no plan to have him stop making catering decisions at this time,” Broncos’ owner Pat Bowlen said.  “But I’ve spoken to Josh, and I let him know that  he can’t keep making these poor culinary choices.”

 

The chili was unavailable for comment.