NEW YORK — The NCAA today sought to ease fears around the college landscape as major conference moves continue to threaten the current structure.
“Ladies and gentlemen, there is no need to worry,” said spokesman Dan Johnson. “We have a plan that will make every team and school happy, as well as fans across the nation. We are completely eliminating all conferences, and will instead simply have one, mega-conference.”
The move was greeted with criticism, which the NCAA quickly sought to quell.
“Everyone wants to know how the national championship will work now. To make it easy, we’ve decided to just have Oklahoma and Florida play for the national title every single year from here on out. Beyond that, teams are allowed to play whoever they want, whenever they want, in an unprecedented move of liberation.
“In fact, we’re making it so teams don’t even have to schedule the games. Just head on over to whomever you want to play, and let them know you want to challenge them to a little competition. We’re also encouraging smaller schools to try something new that we’ve never allowed before: multiple games on the same field at once. That’s right, we’ll allow four, five, hell maybe even 10 schools to play each other all at once on the same field.”
When asked about what this means for title chances of any schools besides Oklahoma and Flordia, the spokesman replied: “My wife is so hot. Dude, I can’t believe I get to bang that.”
He then took yet another swig of whiskey. Which prompted questions from the press of why he was delivering the speech from a street corner in a rundown section of L.A., and appeared to be homeless.
“Don’t judge me,” he replied.