The following is a very special editorial from the staff of Sporting Hipster. Following Adrian Peterson’s statement that he never intended to hurt his four-year-old son, despite beating him with a tree branch, we realized it was time we addressed the lingering issue facing our staff: The time we shot you in the face with a gun.
Our attorneys have asked us not to discuss the facts of our pending case with you out of respect for the legal process. Also, they said it would fuck up their messages from Venus. On a side note, if you have any spare change, our attorneys could really use it.
But that’s beside the point. What matters to us the most is you. We love you so much, and we’re really sorry that you got hurt when we shot you in the face with a gun.
When we brought that gun to your house, knocked on your door, and told you that we were going to fucking shoot that stupid smug look off your fucking smug face, we never intended to hurt you.
If we hadn’t had a fake-news blog that treated us that same way, we never would have had the fear of the world instilled in us that made us the blog we are today. It’s out of love.
Believe us, it hurt us more to have to shoot that shit-eating grin off your face than it did you. Sure, you were in the hospital for 17 months and couldn’t breathe or shit on your own, but we had to deal with the guilt that any loving fake-news blog does.
in conclusion, sure, we used a gun and pulled the trigger, but does that mean we meant to?
BTW, we did totally mean to lol.