Category Archives: Soccer

Guy Who Said World Cup “Changed Soccer in America” Doesn’t Remember it Ever Happening

SANTA BARBARA, CA – The guy in the cubicle next to you – whose name you never bothered to learn – has completely forgotten the World Cup ever happened, despite arguing just two weeks ago that it had “changed soccer forever in America.”

During the conversation the guy made statements such as: “Kids growing up are going to want to play on the world stage, not just for an American audience like in the NBA.”  As well as: “I think there’s going to be a big jump in MLS attendance after this.”

However, the guy didn’t even bother to watch the World Cup final, and when questioned if he was going to watch the L.A. Galaxy game, he blankly stared at you with saliva slowly dripping from his mouth.

Nobody contributed to this report, including the author.

 

U.S. Gives a Shit About Soccer for A While

UNITED STATES – Michael Smith, senior accounting specialist at a local health insurance company somewhere near a city in America, sports his red, white and blue scarf.

“I just can’t believe it. I’m so happy that we made it to the next round,” he says with a beaming smile.

Two weeks ago, Michael didn’t know jack shit about soccer. He still struggles to understand the offsides rules and couldn’t have spoken a U.S. Men’s National Team player’s name if his life depended on it.

But for a few more days, he insists, he’ll give a fuck.

“Soccer is going to be huuuuuge after this!”

A study conducted by Sporting Hipster found that roughly 80% of the United States suffers from this same syndrome of giving a shit about soccer during the World Cup, while 20% of the country actually enjoys soccer for what it is.

“This is an epidemic,” says Dr. John LeRue. “But man, did you see the end of that Portugal game? That shit was fuuuuucked up bro!”

Republicans are preparing a bill that would outlaw caring about soccer and make it punishable by death. As of publication time there was no word whether the dipshits would get it pushed through.