Tennis Played in Indiana

INDIANA — According to sources close to the situation, tennis has been played in the state of Indiana.

This comes as a shock to you. You didn’t know that tennis could be played in the state of Indiana. You thought that people mostly played it in New York, or maybe Ohio. But Indiana?

Christ, what has this country come to?

The game was apparently played between a couple, a man and a woman, who were both white. The rackets used were purchased at a nearby sporting goods store a few days earlier.

The woman won the match with the man feigning apathy.

Following this news you stabbed yourself in the face.

Five Tips for Beginning Runners

Getting started running is hard!  Trust us, we know, as each one of us on the Sporting Hipster staff (that’s right, all 18,000 of us!) runs 1,700 miles everyday.

We thought we’d share our expertise with you, our beloved readers.  Here are five tips for beginning runners:

1. Don’t amputate your legs.

Sure, your legs can get annoying. We’ve all had those moments where we were like, “What the fuck, legs?”

But if you’re considering running it’s best to keep them.

“Having legs is an essential part of running,” says Dr. John Chambers.

“Sure, you can get those blade runner thingies like that South African dude, but then you have to shoot your girlfriend.  So, I guess you can do it if you want to kill your girlfriend, but I still wouldn’t recommend it.”

2. Eat foods which have nutrients.

Are you eating a strict paper-only diet? Stop it, silly! We’ve found that it’s best to eat food when beginning a running regimen.

3. Feel free to run over 100 miles on your first day.

Don’t be a bitch. Do it.

4. Spend $10,000 on running shoes.

Buy every pair you see, and only the most expensive ones. Pile the shoes in your living room until you can’t breathe.  Proceed to choke and die.

5. Suck my ass.

Suck it.

 

U.S. Gives a Shit About Soccer for A While

UNITED STATES – Michael Smith, senior accounting specialist at a local health insurance company somewhere near a city in America, sports his red, white and blue scarf.

“I just can’t believe it. I’m so happy that we made it to the next round,” he says with a beaming smile.

Two weeks ago, Michael didn’t know jack shit about soccer. He still struggles to understand the offsides rules and couldn’t have spoken a U.S. Men’s National Team player’s name if his life depended on it.

But for a few more days, he insists, he’ll give a fuck.

“Soccer is going to be huuuuuge after this!”

A study conducted by Sporting Hipster found that roughly 80% of the United States suffers from this same syndrome of giving a shit about soccer during the World Cup, while 20% of the country actually enjoys soccer for what it is.

“This is an epidemic,” says Dr. John LeRue. “But man, did you see the end of that Portugal game? That shit was fuuuuucked up bro!”

Republicans are preparing a bill that would outlaw caring about soccer and make it punishable by death. As of publication time there was no word whether the dipshits would get it pushed through.

 

 

Romney rips Obama’s testicles from body and force feeds them to him during debate

DENVER — Everyone agrees — the media, your grandmother, hell even your pet weasel — that Mitt Romney soundly defeated President Barack Obama in last night’s first 2012 Presidential Debate.

But the defining moment wasn’t when Romney continued to attack a seemingly docile and distracted President.  Nor was it when he reached out to middle-income families across America.

 

It was when he physically walked across the stage, grabbed Obama by the nards, forcefully ripped them from his body and stuffed them rudely down his throat, all while President Obama simply nodded and took notes.

 

The President’s campaign was in full damage-control mode this morning.

 

“FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!” The White House press secretary stated during a news conference, before hacking his own head off with a dull switchblade.

 

Meanwhile, Mitt Romney has been granted three extra afterlife worlds and 10,000 angel sex whores for his good Mormon deed.

Summer Olympics 2012: Olympic Spirit banned for doping

 

LONDON — The 2012 London Olympic Games were full of excitement, intense competition, and world-record-breaking performances.  Behind it all there was a communal sense of honest and fair competition amongst the athletes of the Games. Many call this intangible Olympic quality the Olympic Spirit.

 

But Sporting Hipster has learned, in an exclusive report, that a drug test taken by the Olympic Spirit shortly after the Games has returned a positive result for steroids, amphetamines, marijuana, green tea, elf blood, dog dick, human growth hormones, and corn dogs.

 

“This is a complete travesty,” said the head of the IOC in an annoying French accent.  “Le poop!”

 

The Olympic Spirit has been stripped of all of its moments of Olympic glory, essentially nullifying anything you enjoyed.

Media uses suspect’s name while vowing never to use suspect’s name

AURORA, CO — “It’s all about the victims,” the media told Sporting Hipster at a special press conference this morning.  “In fact, we’re not even going to say the suspect’s name, which happens to be …” 

 

The media then spent several minutes explaining their vow not to use the suspect’s name while using it approximately 18 times in 90 seconds.  They also vowed not to provide media attention to the suspect, while noting every facial movement he’s ever made, where he attended pre-school, the color of his underwear on November 18, 1996, and the amount of uric acid currently in his body.  

 

“But other than that,” the media said, “we’re totally not going to mention him or give him any attention.”

 

“Individuals in these types of massacres tend to seek notoriety and fame,” Jack Samson, Assistant Professor of Psychology at Harvard University told Sporting Hipster.  “So it’s vitally important that we as a society refuse to give these killers this type of attention when these things occur, we simply cannot — wait, hold on, I just got a text message.  Looks like he just pooped!  Holy shit, I’m putting CNN on,” Jack said gleefully.

 

Rather than entirely avoid using the suspect’s name, Sporting Hipster has made the editorial decision to use an alias.  From now on, anytime you see us use “Dipshit Mcfuckfaceasslickerfuck,” you’ll know what we mean.

 

 

Jeremy Lin Offends Self by Eating Fortune Cookie

NEW YORK–Jeremy Lin and the Linsanity craze is the hottest story in sports right now.   But American media has been unsure how to handle a popular Asian-American athlete.  

In the latest offensive gesture, Jeremy Lin was recently spotted eating a fortune cookie after a meal at a Taiwanese restaurant in New York, which immediately created a media firestorm.    

 

“Dats effed up bro y u have n0 r3sp3ct,” tweeted Floyd Mayweather Jr.

 

Headlines blasted Lin for offending Lin, and several people at various newspapers were fired for even thinking about publishing anything that maybe could be offensive. 

 

“I thought about including a note about the post-colonial nature of current Taiwanese culture,” said Joe McNabb, a reporter in New York.  “But my boss noticed that I had included something about how boba tea is popular in Taiwan, and said it was really insensitive. Funny part is, he was sipping on one when he fired me.  At least I can appreciate the rich irony of it all.”

 

Jeremy Lin himself seemed unaffected by his own offensive act, as he simply chewed the fortune cookie, his saliva breaking down the cookie until it ultimately made it’s way through his intestinal tract.   When reached for comment, he simply said, “Who are you?  Why do you keep following me?”

 

It’s unclear when the New York Knicks will cut the rest of the team, and have a team of only non-offensive Asian-Americans, but one thing is for sure — fortune cookies are fun!

Puppy Bowl Marred by Poor Sportsmanship

The NDFL (National Dog Football League) is scrambling today to repair its damaged reputation following last night’s Puppy Bowl.

 

 

In what looked to be a great matchup between the New England Pomeranians and the New York German Shepherds, fans across the country were buzzing with excitement.   Unfortunately, the game quickly lost all form or structure, and resorted to rampant butt and ball licking, biting, and one of the poorest displays of sporstmanship ever witnessed on dog sports’ biggest stage.

 

“The refs had absolutely no control,” Gill Summers of ESPN (Entertainment Sports Pet Network) noted.  “From the outset of the first quarter, there wasn’t a single actual play made. It was like watching a bunch of animals with raging boners chasing each other around.  Which, of course, actually happened.”

 

Fans were equally displeased.  Mary Smith, who owns three Labradors and has been a NDFL fan for over 50 years,  paid nearly $8,000 for her Puppy Bowl ticket. 

 

“I was ripped off,” she told Sporting Hipster following the game.  “One of them was literally eating their own shit.”

 

The game was finally called off when New England Pomeranian quarterback, Terrier Beef O’Brady, peed on the head of an opposing player.

 

“It’s really a shame,” Mary continued.  “This could have been the pinnacle of puppy sports.  Instead, it was nothing but a mockery.”

 

Preoccupy L.A. fails to gain steam

 

LOS ANGELES–A new movement similar in nature to the nationwide Occupy movement is so far failing to gain steam.

 

Derek McLincoln, a 9th year senior at UCLA, founded the movement on his website last week.   He organized a large march to take place over the weekend, with the intention of “doing things that keep us from doing other things — against greed!”

 

“Everyone wants to occupy this and that,” he said, in an exclusive interview with Sporting Hipster.  “But what about preoccupation?  Are we so preoccupied with occupying that we’ve forgotten to preoccupy ourselves in the first place?”

 

Derek expected “thousands” to show up for his planned march, but when he arrived he found only two children, who were actually waiting for a bus. 

 

“I guess everyone was just too busy occupying themselves with other things to get preoccupied.”