Tag Archives: featured

Fantasy Football: Top Five Quarterbacks to Draft

Millions of a men, and approximately 15 women, are gearing up for the annual ritual known as the “Fantasy Football Draft.”

The research is never done – NEVER – so we here at Sporting Hipster decided we should help you out. Get ready to get mind-fucked by our picks of the top 10 quarterbacks for your fantasy football team.

Peyton_Manning_-_Broncos

Top Five QBs for Fantasy Football: Peyton Manning

Peyton Manning, despite being 72 years old, is playing as good of football as he has at any stage of his career. With the arsenal of receivers at his disposal, he’s sure to earn you many points on your Fantasy Team.

Top Five QBs for Fantasy Football: Drew Brees

If you select Drew, your fantasy season will truly be a “Brees.”  Ha!  See what we did there?  If you didn’t, then you, sir, are a dolt, and frankly you have no business telling us how to live our lives.  Just back off.

staffinDET

Top Five QBs for Fantasy Football: Matthew Stafford

Matthew Stafford plays in the city of Detroit, a wasteland composed mostly of wild dogs and abandoned shoe factories. Anyone who can survive in Detroit for longer than two weeks has earned the right to proclaim themselves a bad-ass, and Stafford is no different.  If your fantasy team needs someone who can start a fire with nothing but tin cans as well as hunt squirrels, he’s your guy.

Denver Broncos vice-president John Elway explains his reaction to receiving the call from new quarterback Peyton Manning informing him of his decision to sign with the Broncos in Englewood

Top Five QBs for Fantasy Football: John Elway

Since we’re talking about fantasy, why not draft John Elway on your team? It’s not like you’re actually playing football. John Elway was one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time.  Just imagine if you had John Elway and Calvin Johnson on the same team!  Now that’s what we call “fantasy”!

Top Five QBs for Fantasy Football: Cat With a Top Hat Riding a Unicorn

Flaming-Unicorn

Don’t be a pussy.

For more fantasy football rankings, consult your inner-self.

Wes Welker Gets Concussion Thinking About Dinner

DENVER, CO — Wes Welker is known for being prone to concussions, but this afternoon that was taken to a whole new level.

“I just kept telling myself, ‘don’t think about anything,'” he told Sporting Hipster. “After this last concussion, I really just wanted to rest and let my brain heal up.”

That’s when tragedy struck, as Welker’s wife arrived and asked him what he wanted for dinner.

“Next thing I know I’m laying on the floor with all these paramedics around me asking me if I know who the president it.”

Doctor Sanjay L. Sudinpar of Harvard Medical School says while rare, this type of injury can occur.

“Take a look at this X-ray. Here you can see residual damage from multiple hits to the head — but look here,” he said, pointing to a white streak. “This is where actual thought-strain can indeed cause a concussion, as in Mr. Welker’s case.

“Now for something really crazy, check this out,” the doctor said as he pinned what appeared to be a still from the Kim Kardashian sextape to the wall, sat back and simply smiled.

The Denver Broncos are understandably concerned for Welker’s health.

“There were times where I definitely had to use cognitive thought as a player,” said John Elway, General Manager and Executive Vice President of the team. “It was rare, but occasionally I had to have thoughts — and that can be hard on the body.”

No word yet on Welker’s possible return, but in the meantime he’s just trying to rest up and protect himself by wearing a comically-oversized suit made of beach balls at all times.

“I’ll get back out there,” he tells us. “I would never let President Carter down like that.”

For more on Wes Welker, visit a site which has articles about him. Go ahead. We said do it! Jesus, just do it.

Baseball! Five Tips for Enjoying America’s Pastime

The laughter of children; the sweet smell of apple pie cooling on a windowsill; the sour odor of genital sweat.

That’s right, it’s baseball season!

For those of you unfamiliar with the sport (aka, terrorist fucks), Sporting Hipster has put together a beginner’s guide to America’s Pastime, just for you, you fucking terrorist fuck.

Here are 10 tips that will tell you all you need to know about becoming a fan of baseball:

1. There are balls

Balls! Balls! Glorious, heavenly, dirt-stained balls! One of the first things you should know – you fucking terrorist piece of shit – is that baseball involves balls. Typically they are round, and made of yeti intestines.

2. There are bats

The second piece of important equipment used in the game of American baseball is the bat, a live animal which normally feeds on the blood of cows and children’s nightmares. In the game of baseball, bats are trained and released at carefully timed intervals to hopefully intercept the ball as it is thrown. With luck, the bat will carry the ball to the moon.  This is known as a “home run.”

3. Unspoken rules

One of the first things you’ll learn about baseball is that it is governed by a complex set of secret codes and rules which are known only to  the knights who perform the ritual of “base-running.”shhh2

These rules have been rumored to include items such as:

  • Spit on the ground to show your love for another player
  • Never stab another player’s wife, unless the bitch deserves it
  • Always wear your cleats on the proper feet
  • Fuck you, you fucking terrorist

4. Peanuts

Baseball is a nutty game.

peanut

The best thing you can possibly do at a baseball game is to buy a giant bag of peanuts (we recommend 10 lbs. or larger), punch it repeatedly until the contents are sharp and irritating to one’s eyes, and dump the contents on the people sitting in front of you.

5. Terms to Know

Baseball has many terms specific to the sport, and their meanings aren’t always obvious.  Learning this basic terminology will enhance your enjoyment of the game and make you look like an expert among your friends (that’ll show that bitch Joan):

dictionary

Umpire: A priest whose face may only be seen by the man he is about to marry. He marries several men every game.

Left Field: A wasteland of animal bones and tar pits where the least liked players are sent to die.

Belly Itcher: An imposter who occasionally kidnaps and murders the pitcher, and is not generally wanted.

Terrorist Fuck: You.

6. Picking a team

If you’re going to pretend to enjoy baseball (because clearly nobody actually enjoys it) you’ll need to pick a favorite team.  Will it be the Seattle Mariners? Will it be the Colorado Rockies?

No, it will probably be the Boston Red Sox. Why? Because you’re a fucking fucker.

7. Replay rules

New this season are instant replay rules, which are designed to ensure umpires get calls right.

The instant replay occurs when a call is contested by a manager and there is reasonable evidence to support a reexamination of the play. The umpires then hire professional actors, through a series of auditions, to reenact the play as accurately as possible.

Based on the quality of the performance, the umpires decide who lives – and who dies.

8. Seventh Inning Stretch

48adv_leg_stretch3

One of the most ancient and baffling rituals in the game of base-ball is the “Seventh Inning Stretch.”

It typically occurs later in the game, and consists of singing a song of the Old Times, wherein attendees are reminded to root for the home team and to eat peanuts (see above).

It is called a “stretch” to honor those who are very tall.

Conclusion

Now that you have this information in hand, you can purchase tickets to the next baseball game in your local municipality, and no one will even realize what a terrorist piece of shit you are.

Fuck you.

Did we miss any tips concerning the game of baseball? Let us know in the comments below.